L'Arc en Ciel Fanfiction .::. Angel and Demon

Chapter 20:~Lies and Tears. Truth and Tears~

Yukihiro watched hopelessly at his drumsticks while munching on the fourth bar of chocolate. This was nightmarish. He had been locked up in the studio by a forgetful Ken and a couple hours had passed now without any signs of his band fellows’ return. That was pretty bad, and he was becoming anxious. What was he to do all alone in a studio he was visiting for the first time? Tetsu had seemed so serious over the phone... There was no way Yukihiro could expect this.

And to make things worse, he was running out of chocolate.

Suddenly a noise at the door startled him. It was already very late, and the new drummer was visibly happy to hear everyone coming back.

"Yo! I’m back!" Ken bellowed. "I brought these two fruitcakes along!"

"Thank Goodness!!" Yukihiro thought to himself while biting on the last bar of chocolate, and he heard the dry noise of something hitting on a hard surface followed by Ken’s whimpering.

"I’m so sorry I overslept, Yukihiro-senpai!!" Tetsu couldn’t finish apologizing as he approached Yukihiro and bowed.

"Hi!" Hyde smiled and shook hands with Yukihiro. "So, you are going steady as the official drummer, huh? Welcome."

"Ye-yeah..." Yukihiro answered nervously while shaking Hyde’s hand.

"Yokatta, ne, Yukihiro-san. It’s very important for me to follow the drums. I know you are hell of a drummer. You are impressive!"

"Hai, hai. Doumo arigatou gozaimasu..."

"Sa... He’s already hitting on him..." Ken commented and shielded himself with his guitar before either Hyde or Tetsu hurled something at him.

"Jaa, hajimeru sa!" Hyde exclaimed beaming happiness, and everyone nodded and agreed, thus starting practice right away.

Ken kept staring at Hyde. He was trying to figure out his feelings, and Hyde avoided his eyes all the time.

Practice went on smoothly.

Yukihiro was indeed a great drummer, and they were all very happy to play with him. He had been playing drums professionally even before they had started as a band, and that was superb for them.

Tetsu didn’t stop praising Yukihiro, which made the drummer blush constantly, and Hyde kept pouting at having lost his spotlight even for a while.

"Yukihiro-san is shy, ne?" Hyde remarked. "I’m shy too... contrasting these two baka."

"Nani yo?" Tetsu said raising an eyebrow in surprise, while still leaning on his bass guitar to change a mischievous string.

"Shy? You? In which life? Not this one..." Ken commented fumbling for his cigarettes.

"Urusai, Ken no baka... and return my cat!"

"Oh... there he goes again trying to ruin his pet’s sex life..." Ken muttered amused.

"Uh... Pet sex life?" Yukihiro repeated, not sure about having caught the words right. It was annoying when Ken rattled on in his Osaka-ben.

"Ja... Ignore him, Yukihiro-san. He’s a hentai." Hyde explained politely, and both Tetsu and Ken laughed at him.

"What?!" Hyde protested.

"Look who’s talking!!" Ken exclaimed cackling.

Yukihiro felt at ease. He smiled and even joked a couple times.

Occasional comments on Ken’s side called his attention now and then. But the thing that had puzzled him the most was how both Hyde and Tetsu would immediately hurl something at the guitarist after each and every one of those weird comments.

"I’m missing on something here..." Yukihiro thought. "I mean... they’ve been together for a long time... but something’s definitely cooking..."

"Ja... I feel kinda left out in this band..." Ken commented and shook his head... "... I feel kinda out of place and different..."

Tetsu stared at him fuming. "Will you cut it out?!"

"Really Ken-chan... Stop being so immature..." Hyde added.

"Oh... funny how you two get to agree so promptly... almost like a married couple..." Ken added.

"Ne... I don’t wanna sound nosy, but... is anything wrong?" Yukihiro suddenly asked. Curiosity was killing him.

"Ah... Yuki-kun, Yuki-kun... I’ll tell you later if you buy me lunch..." Ken said grinning maliciously and shaking his head.

"Tetsu is my boyfriend." Hyde snapped. "That’s it. It’s good that you know it. Good that you hear it from me instead of hearing gossip and rumor. Good that knowing it won’t cost you a lunch."

Ken stared at Hyde in disappointment.

"And it’s of course good that you be warned I’m ready to fight with teeth and claws for him." Hyde spat out and kept browsing his music sheets. Tetsu stared at him aghast.

"Uh... OK." Yukihiro stared at them. "Not like I’m in the band to pick up guys..."

"Good." Hyde nodded. "Now Ken-chan, get serious and let’s work."

Ken stared at Hyde aghast. The vocalist was rarely this severe.

Hours later...

"OK, gang, let’s call it a day." Tetsu announced in his leader tone.

"Yatta! Dinner time!" Hyde answered and rubbed his stomach while sinking in a couch and watching the others disconnect their instruments and gather their stuff.

"Ne... Tet-chan... Would you walk me home? I have forgotten some stuff there..." Hyde started.

"Beauty assets?" Ken asked maliciously and Hyde hurled a block of paper at him.

"No, baka! I forgot my cell phone there. I plan on calling you every half an hour tonight."

"Good. I’ll unplug the phone." Ken answered and shrugged.

"OK, Haido, I’ll walk you over to your place." Tetsu answered muffling a chuckle.

"I will go to this jerk’s place and start ringing the bell every 15 minutes all night..." Hyde protested.

"No, you won’t do that. Be a good boy, Haido." Tetsu answered calmly.

"He’s provoking me!"

"Ja... Yer so easy to provoke, man..." Ken answered. "Won’t you have more entertaining things to do tonight?"

"Maybe." Hyde grinned. "And I want my cat back."

"Ja... let’s get going..." Tetsu sighed.

"Un." Yukihiro nodded. "I still need some of the demo tapes you promised me, Ken-kun."

"Oh, sure... Why don’t you come over to pick them up, ne?"

"OK." Yukihiro smiled and suddenly Hyde pulled from his sleeve drawing him apart from the group.

"This is very important, Yukihiro-san..." Hyde started in a very grave voice.

"Uh... Oh... OK..." Yukihiro answered without really understanding, and searching for help with his eyes.

"Once you get to Ken no baka’s place, look for my cat... It’s all cute, male, gray cat, answers to the name of Blue-chan and is very well known for giving allergies." Hyde whispered to Yukihiro.

"Uh... Oh... I understand."

"Ja, I trust you, Yukihiro-kun. Rescue my cat before Ken-chan kills it!" Hyde urged him in a tense whisper while squeezing Yukihiro’s arm.

Yukihiro nodded in pain. He didn’t want to speak up and ruin his fellows’ impression on him.

Suddenly Tetsu appeared and wrapped his arm around Hyde’s neck, softly pulling him towards the exit and thus saving the new drummer.

The four L’Arc en Ciel members left the studio and Hyde and Tetsu walked chatting idly towards Hyde’s house.

"I think I left it on the dining room table, hold on." Hyde said as he walked inside his house. He found the cell phone on the table and grabbed it, but his eyes caught sight of a folded piece of paper. Intrigued, he opened it. He recognized the handwriting: Sakura.

Hyde began reading the goodbye note Sakura had left for him before leaving.

"My dear love...

I am sorry to say goodbye to you in such a wretched way, but you see, this is the best for both of us.

I cannot say I don’t love you. I cannot put up a happy mask and hide my feelings. The truth is I have always loved you.

We have both shared the happiest moments, the most intimate pleasures, and I will never forget that... but also, unfortunately, we have harmed each other.

I have been mean to you, but yet again, you have been mean to me too.

I sympathize with you when you say you want to start again... but, my dear love, we can’t do that. Unfortunately some wounds are still open, and it would be best for us to heal them separately.

In time, eventually, we might be together again... who knows. You taught me once that destiny is whatever we make of it.

I will watch you from afar. I will never stop loving you. But this time, my love will be different.

Thank you for telling me you love me. Your words made me come to a full circle.

Sakura."

Hyde fell to his knees and began to cry. He had completely forgotten Tetsu standing behind him. Hyde hugged Sakura’s letter and cried openly.

"I’ve lost you forever, Sakura... forever..." He cried out in desperate sobs. "All those years, all that love has gone down the drain. All that time we spent together... it was just a waste, Sakura. It didn’t mean anything. You’ve left me behind. Do you think I can get time to turn back for me?! Bastard!! I’ve lost many years of my life loving you, now... You’ve wasted my time and my love... You’ve left me alone! You bastard! You think this is the end? Moron!" Hyde said clenching his fists. "I’m gonna get back at you for this...!"

Tetsu’s strong grip on Hyde’s right shoulder startled him.

"Ikuso." Tetsu snapped coldly.

Hyde nodded and left, pushing the letter inside his pocket.

Tetsu didn’t say a word during the whole walk.

His mind was confused, walking by the trembling figure of the one he loved... His thoughts swirled in a turmoil of images and words. Hyde had not forgotten Sakura... of course... How could he think Hyde would forget Sakura so fast?

What’s more... How could he ever consider that Hyde would forget Sakura at all? And replace him with what? With him? Have Tetsu take Sakura’s place?

"Impossible." Tetsu sentenced inside his own head.

His rational side scolded the tortured emotional part of him mercilessly.

"I’m not nearly half enough... I’m not... I’m not... him..." Tetsu fought the itchiness clinging to his throat.

He tried to force air into his lungs and refrain from crying. He managed to somehow. All the time walking steadily towards his place. Registering the echo of the steps mirroring his own, just a few centimeters away from him.

Hyde was walking by his side... so close to him... yet so far.

Tetsu had come to see. Yes, he was positive. Hyde would never love him. Not the way Tetsu wished he did.

Tetsu sunk his clenched fists in his pockets and walked faster, as if he wanted to leave Hyde behind forever. As if he wanted to escape the smaller man and his own heart while he was at it. His face was dark in pain and frustration. How could he have fooled himself into believing Hyde would forget Sakura? He felt he had been shaken awake from a placid dream into bitter reality.

"Hyde only wants company... no matter at what cost." Tetsu thought clenching his teeth.

He began to realize how Emotional had always been a bad leader... how Rational had always been safer... And he switched them immediately. Under Emotional’s protest Rational took over.

Both men entered Tetsu’s apartment in utter silence. Tetsu closed the door and leaned his back on it while Hyde sunk in the couch.

"Ne... Haido..."

"Hai? Tetsu?" Hyde asked nervously.

"I understand." Tetsu sighed evenly.

"Huh?"

"This is all my fault, right?"

"What are you talking about?" Hyde asked stammering nervously.

"Well... no hard feelings. I guess you better move out and go back to your place before we both start resenting this."

"What?!" Hyde was startled. He turned to look at Tetsu who came walking from the door and sat by him.

"I think... we both need... to think..."

"I don’t need to think!!"

"It would do you good. Besides..."

Hyde grabbed Tetsu by the bassist’s shirt collar, and shook him, tears falling down his eyes.

"Are you trying to dump me?!!" Hyde screamed on top of his lungs "You can’t leave me like this!! Tet-chan!! What did I do to you? I did nothing to you!!"

"Uh... well... if you are mad, I understand. I am mad too."

"Why? Why? Whatever it is, I apologize!! It’s for the letter, isn’t it?"

"Just stop this game, Haido. You can’t apologize for your feelings. This has been a bad idea from the beginning... So... as you pointed out earlier, we better stop this stupid game."

"I’m sorry, Tet-chan. You don’t understand!"

"I do." Tetsu said coldly and grabbed Hyde’s hands holding on to his shirt.

Hyde was furious, he couldn’t believe he was being dumped again. His fury made him slap Tetsu twice, and he fell on his knees crying, resting his teary eyes on Tetsu’s knees, crying and fidgeting violently. Tetsu didn’t react immediately, and after a few seconds he caressed Hyde's head slowly, unsure of his own feelings... trying to hold his own fury. Rational was being scolded by Emotional now. That was rare.

"Mo nakanaide, Doiha-chan." He forced himself to be sweet and patient. "It’s over... it was good while it lasted..."

"Son of a bitch! You are playing with me!! Just like he did!! You took advantage of me because I was vulnerable after Sakura left me!! You keep saying I lie, but then... You fooled me!! You used me to carry out your fucking fantasy and now you dump me!! Kisama... rotten piece of shit!!"

"No, Haido... You are wrong. You used me to carry out your fantasy... actually, it’s all the way around..." Tetsu was beginning to lose his patience. Who did Hyde think he was!? How could he dare make such an accusation after having fooled him into believing he could love him, when it was obvious he had never gotten over Sakura?

"Urusai! You don’t know what you say!! Baka! I hate you! I did believe you! I trusted you, I gave in to you!! Then... then you dare to call me a liar!!" Hyde screamed hysterically while crying, his face pressed against Tetsu’s knees. "You did it all for the band? Or just to carry out your fantasy? You saw the chance and grabbed it, right? And I stupidly believed it!! I stupidly believed your sweet talk... your gentle caresses... I fell for you! You son of a bitch!"

"Haido... you... You are the son of a bitch here!" Tetsu yelled, out of patience, shaking Hyde by the shoulders. "I know I started all of this, but you could have turned me down before! Before it got to this! But you chose to use me! You keep saying you love me but all you want is someone to take Sakura’s place!! So you can live on in your fucked-up dream world! So you can still have someone to lose his head for you! So you can flatter yourself! All you wanted was turning off the lights and fooling yourself into thinking you are still with him!! Isn’t it that, Haido?! I told you I know you well!"

Hyde was startled, he wanted to tell Tetsu it was not so, but he was surprised that Tetsu had realized of his former plan... just when he had definitely dropped it.

"Who are you thinking of when we are in bed, Haido? Who were you thinking of when you blew me last night?! Who were you dreaming that was blowing you, bastard?! Say the truth for once in your fucking life!!" Tetsu yelled shaking Hyde violently.

Hyde began to shiver speechless. "Tetsu..." he thought. His mouth gaped but no sound came out.

"You, Tet-chan." He finally said in a whisper after a few seconds.

"Usotsuki!! Usotsuki!!" Tetsu yelled and slapped Hyde. Hyde curled up in a ball and tried to shield himself from the hits. The shock was too big to overcome.

"You don’t have the faintest idea of how I’ve felt years ago! How I felt yesterday! And how I’m feeling right now! Leave this place right away!!" Tetsu yelled. He opened the door and grabbing Hyde’s strap bag and coat he threw them into the hallway.

"Leave now before I kick you out of here!!" Tetsu bellowed unfocused, totally out of his mind in fury.

"No, Tet-chan..." Hyde pleaded kneeling on the floor. "You are wrong!"

"I don’t want you here! I told you, you wouldn’t play games with me!!"

Tetsu grabbed Hyde’s shoes and walked towards him, he took him by an arm, and dragging him he pushed him out of his house, tossing his shoes behind him. Hyde tried to walk back in, but Tetsu pushed him hard causing Hyde to hit the wall across the hallway, hearing Tetsu’s door slammed shut.

"Tet-chan... I’m not playing... any... more..." Hyde slid down against the wall, and sat on the floor crying. His back rested numb against the carved, wooden panels of the wall in front of Tetsu’s door. He stared blankly, shaken. The pools of tears in his eyes slowly pouring drops of bitterness down his cheeks. He gathered his stuff and hugging himself together with it he cried sorrowfully in silence.

Tetsu sat on the floor and began to cry in impotence. His slim body began shaking in fury and despair. He had fallen for Hyde, head over heels... again. And that was what hurt him the most, he was sure Hyde had just been playing with him, just using him. Hyde was the type to do that. He knew it had been a bad idea right from the start... and yet, had gone along with it.

He had dreamed and smiled, winked at the stars and felt blessed. He had been rejoicing over nothing. Feeling happy for an empty reason. He had been fooled. Fooled by the person he loved most. The one that meant the world for him. The one that had managed to make his heart stop with every little thing he did.

And he couldn’t tell anymore why he had been so thoughtless. Why he had let Hyde play with him like that... Why he had allowed his heart to be broken and toyed with... Maybe it was only because it was something pending in his life... He had wanted Hyde for such a long time... and eventually given up on him, it had been his chance to make an old dream come true... But as Hyde had promised, when dreams come true, sometimes they end up turning into nightmares.

It had never been the way Tetsu had expected it to. Sweet images of holding and cuddling... nothing but a fantasy. That sweet love Tetsu had always craved for, that chance to adore Hyde had never been there. He had dreamt it all... Maybe it was never meant to be. He would never be enough for Hyde, yet Hyde should have never been heartless enough to take advantage of Tetsu’s feelings to his own selfish profit. Tetsu had expected Hyde to be his. He had expected to have him, wrap him in his arms and protect him. Rejoice in the smaller man’s sweet smile, tender caress, ardent stare... full voice... He had expected to taste his lips, those delicate lips tasting of the fullest and sweetest wine. He had yearned to caress his skin, the most supple and softest velvet. He had longed to hold him tightly, knowing he had all the rights to do so, knowing there was no need to restrain himself, no need to feel guilty, no need to let go... Furthermore, knowing that Hyde wished for the same, acknowledged the same, desired the same. How stupid... Hyde had only used him... the way he uses everything and everyone. Tetsu couldn’t stop crying in silence, imagining Hyde walking back to his apartment cursing because he couldn’t get a cab.

"He’s cold and mean like that." Tetsu thought. "But after all... I deserve it, I deserve to have my heart broken for being such an asshole."

He curled into a ball on his red sofa, and cried bitterly. Everything, every dream, every hope, every aspiration was meaningless to him. He had lost more than he could ever afford to lose. He embraced a cushion and sunk his face in it crying.

"Haido... you heartless monster..."

But Hyde was, unbeknownst to Tetsu, crying the same bitter tears right outside the bassist’s apartment, crouching and leaning on the wall across the narrow space from his door.

Hyde wrapped his knees with his arms, his face pressed against them, his coat and bag between his stomach and his legs. Tears rolled down his face and his leather pants. His feet curled in tension one upon the other. His shoes still in the same place they had landed after Tetsu had thrown him out.

Tetsu was partly right. He had used him in the beginning... but after that night... the night they had gone out for dinner, the night they had had their first sexual moments, everything had changed. How could he explain to Tetsu? How could he explain he expected to cheat him into taking Sakura’s place and ended up falling in love with him!?

How could he explain Tetsu he had long forgotten what love felt like until his gentleness woke his heart up from its numbness?

"I deserve this. Tetsu is such a nice guy..." Hyde cried bitterly. "It’s OK to hurt bad people... but Tetsu didn’t deserve to be hurt..." Hyde thought tightening the grip on his knees.

"I hate myself!" The loud scream aroused in Hyde’s head, he wanted to bellow out loud, but didn’t dare to. His throat was tied by pain and anguish.

"I’ll stay here, all night. I’ll sleep here, and tomorrow when Tetsu opens the door he will see me and he will forgive me... he’ll feel sorry for me..." Hyde tried to convince himself. "Cuz... cuz... I’m just like a stray kitten without him... and he will see... he will see I love him and need him..." he schemed nervously and desperately. He couldn’t conceive that Tetsu might give up on him. Tetsu had always been protective, motherly... He couldn’t abandon him now, when he needed him the most.

Hyde crawled up to Tetsu’s door and made his coat and bag into a pillow, he curled himself into a ball and resting his head on the improvised cushion he tried to force himself to sleep.

"I’m still near you, Tet-chan, even if I’m outside I’m still a few meters away... I won’t lose you, Tet-chan... I won’t disappoint you... my dear love..." Hyde broke down in tears again. "Cuz I know you love me. And nobody loves me like you do... cuz your love is sweet and tender... cuz you don’t want anything from me... except to be loved back. And I will do that, Tet-chan..." Hyde babbled inside his head while sobbing. "I love you already, I always will. I will be a good boy for you, you won’t be sorry... Now I mean it... I will... I will take care of you, I will do stuff for you, I will, I promise... I will let you do anything you want... I will be by your side always... Tet-chan... please... listen to me talking inside my head!! Tet-chan... I don’t have the balls to knock on your door and tell you!" Hyde sobbed in despair. "I love you, Tet-chan! I love you deeply! I won’t trick you again! I won’t lie to you! I will be good!! I can be good! I can! I’ll show you how I can be so good!! Please Tet-chan! I’m losing my mind here! Please, listen to the voice inside my head! Onegai! I can’t gather strength in my throat to go up to you and tell you! I’ll never make you cry again! I’ll kiss all your tears away!! Please Tet-chan!! I need you!!" Hyde’s sobbing was becoming louder and he grabbed his ad-hoc pillow tightly. "Tet-chan! I’m dying here... outside... alone and in darkness... without you!! Please... Save me! Save me, Tet-chan! I will be yours forever, I promise, this time I promise and it’s true!! Tet-chan!!"

The voice inside Hyde’s head died out slowly, choked in sobs as he fell asleep repeating his inner speech like a litany.