L'Arc en Ciel Fanfiction .::. Angel and Demon

Chapter 22:~A Trial by Fire: I’m Honest~

Hyde slowly opened his eyes, still unable to focus them. He could hardly see anything around him, as if a heavy fog were wrapping him tightly. The white light glaring against his eyes caused his nose to tickle, and even that slight gesture sent an acute bolt of pain through his head. He moved his face to one side and though everything was blurry, he could notice white radiance and shades all around him.

"I did it..." He whispered and closed his eyes. "The famous white light... I missed the tunnel though." He sighed. "Dakedo... I don’t know why I am in Heaven..." He smirked. "Must be some sort of mistake... or God likes L’Arc en Ciel." He fell asleep again, a dim grimace darkening his countenance.

"Takarai-san is doing better." The doctor calmly spoke to Tetsu, Ken and a much too shocked Yukihiro. The new drummer was more than puzzled and didn’t know how he had ended up in the situation he was at the moment.

"It’s been a week already..." Tetsu said in a faint voice, almost a whisper.

"Yes, if you hadn’t come into his house he would have died... he lost too much blood and he had a pneumo-thorax, that is, he breathed water from the bathtub accidentally. If we are lucky he will wake up soon. He will be weak for a month at least after he wakes up, though. The fact that he is a smoker doesn’t make things easy with his lungs."

"I see." Tetsu nodded. He had never tried to hide his expression of sorrow and guilt.

Ken patted on his back reassuringly. He felt the heavy burden of guilt too. Hyde had somehow foreseen this... He had hinted him about his feelings... about his intentions. But Ken had not been able to see his point until it was too late.

"You can see him if you want now, but he will have to stay in intensive care until he wakes up. Possibly longer, according to how he evolves. I strongly advise that he follows psychological treatment after this." The doctor said closing the immaculate folder that kept Hyde’s clinical record. His hands went slowly to the tiny glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, and removed them calmly. Everything in him looked unpretentious, washed... antiseptic.

"This place is nothing like Hyde..." Tetsu couldn’t stop thinking... "He doesn’t belong in here... with these people... and it’s all my fault..."

"He had a hard time. He will be fine." Ken answered in a serious tone without taking his eyes off Tetsu.

"You are his friends, he will need you. Do you have any idea why he did this to himself?" The doctor asked monotonously.

"Tet-chan...?" Ken looked at Tetsu who in turn sunk in the white, plain chair.

"He... he... I don’t know. He’s unpredictable." Tetsu murmured. The whole story would have been too painful to reveal.

"Have you called his family?" The doctor went on asking.

"Yes. They are on the way. I called them yesterday." Tetsu answered faintly. Every time he opened his lips he could feel an enormous strain lashing his body.

"Only yesterday?" The doctor was surprised.

"Ah... yes..."

"Is this the first time Takarai-san does this?" The doctor asked again.

"As far as I know, yes." Tetsu replied in a faint voice once more.

A few minutes later the doctor escorted the remaining L’Arc en ciel members into the room where Hyde was. The three of them walked behind the physician, who led them silently in a painful parade through the sterilized corridors of the clinic. People passed by them like shadows, following the same procession pattern. Unnoticed, mixed among the other ghostly shapes that paced slowly down the neat arcades of the premises. Their feet padded softly along their way, lulled by the cold and cajoling voices at the loudspeakers calling names into different sections of the hospital. The whole place smelt of medicine; felt like illness, decay and death. Irreparable loss... shattered hearts... Tetsu empathized with it all.

The doctor slowed down and finally stopped by a white door. Just like many other like-ranged ones the party had passed in their smooth walk. He turned the latch slowly, as if fearing to make a too sharp noise that could disrupt the carefully held calm of the area. And the three men followed him inside, into a pure, pristine room. Just the sight of it would scare bacteria away.

Hyde was there. Lying languidly on the plain, frank bed, so different from the lavish scenery that usually surrounded him. He rested limply, calm, quiet... asleep. Locked up inside his inner world. Kept serenely, like a piece of art placidly lying inside a glass display in a museum. Imperturbable. So unlike him.

The wan small vocalist was extremely pale. The dark circles around his closed eyes gave the idea he was wearing a purple mask under his faint skin. His lips looked dry and had a faint bluish color that became darker around the multiple creases displayed like an array of dark crimson sunrays on that delicate skin. His wrists and arms were bandaged, lots of wires run steadily from the monitoring machines connected to his body, piercing through his fragile, sallow skin. His heart rhythm seemed to be slow but steady, so was his breathing.

Tetsu moved towards Hyde, feeling the tears crawling up to his eyes, and Ken held him back.

"Can he...?" Ken asked the doctor in a whisper, afraid to destroy the peaceful ambiance of the room.

The doctor nodded and Tetsu walked softly, almost in fear, to sit himself cautiously on the edge of Hyde’s bed.

He caressed Hyde’s right arm gently, almost supplicantly. Hyde didn’t wake up.

"He looks frail..." Tetsu commented trying to choke a sob.

"He is weak." The doctor said distractedly while writing down on the board that had previously been hanging from Hyde’s bed.

Tetsu returned his eyes to Hyde and caressed his face with the tip of his fingers. All the music was absent. The music they had loved so much. The music that had been the first and main bond bringing them together. And now they both stayed in silence, so close, yet so far away. And Tetsu realized for the first time of Hyde’s solitude amidst that indescribably painful and quiet scenery, accompanied by the rhythmic beeping of Hyde’s life support devices and the soft sound of the doctor’s pen scratching endlessly on the report board. That was no music... That was no music for Hyde.

"Doctor... Can he be left alone with... hmm... Takarai-san for a few minutes?" Ken asked whispering to the doctor.

"Only five minutes." The doctor said, and hanged the board back at the feet of Hyde’s bed. Ken and Yukihiro nodded and they left the room with the doctor, leaving Tetsu alone with the slumbering Hyde.

"Doiha-chan..." Tetsu whispered, and broke down in tears.

"This is all my fault..." Tetsu murmured aching in guilt, and kept caressing Hyde’s face with the tip of his fingers. He touched his lips lightly, tracing them with his thumb. They were dry and bluish... unlike the lips he remembered having kissed. And suddenly the tingling sensation of the kiss returned to Tetsu’s lips like an echo. As if the feeling was a record played once again in a remote turntable and only meant to cause him a yet deeper pain.

Hyde’s kisses... The imaginary turntable played the ghostly feeling of his soft and moist mouth... completely different from the cold one under his fingertips.

"I bet you are hungry, buddy..." Tetsu tried to joke, and failed to cheer himself up, giving in to tears again.

"How could I do this to you... when... when... when I have always loved you... the way I do...?" Tetsu whispered and took Hyde’s cold hand in his. "Don’t leave me, Doiha-chan... Stay with me..." he gasped trying to retain him, keep him by the hand preventing a possible departure.

Tetsu leaned over Hyde and pecked his forehead. The small, wan man didn’t move. He felt cold, as if Tetsu had kissed an inert object, a doll... a dull copy of what Hyde used to be, the muffled record that would relentlessly play inside his head. And the bassist couldn’t hold himself anymore. It had all been too much... and he began to cry pressing his lips against Hyde’s, and cupping his face in his hands.

"Please, wake up, Haido... wake up... I’m sorry, Haido... please wake up... I’ll be with you, no matter if you love me or not... I will stand by you always... Haido... please wake up, please smile at me, please... I’ll earn your love, Doiha-chan... I promise..." Tetsu cried bitterly whispering on Hyde’s lips. He kissed him softly, brushing his lover’s mouth with his tear-wet one. He sobbed in silence and laid his head on Hyde’s collarbone, crying.

Hyde twitched his nose and moved his head. Tetsu’s hair was brushing his face, and his sensitive nose made him wake up. Tetsu noticed Hyde’s movement and raised his head eagerly. He heard Hyde sigh, but Hyde didn’t open his eyes.

"Stubborn... you never change..." Tetsu caressed Hyde’s head.

"How come someone scolds me in Heaven...?" Hyde asked mumbling in a barely audible voice without opening his eyes.

"He spoke!!" Tetsu yelled, beaming with happiness, and held Hyde’s arms strongly in his hands.

The doctor rushed right inside the room.

"Don’t shake him!" He ordered. Tetsu was not shaking Hyde, but at the sudden order he let go.

"He spoke! He spoke!" Tetsu screamed crying in happiness. Ken walked inside the room right behind the doctor, and caught Tetsu by the shoulders trying to control his friend’s anxious shivering. Yukihiro approached them with wide eyes.

"Takarai-san! Can you hear me?" The doctor asked in a loud voice, touching Hyde’s forehead with his right hand.

"Can you hear me, Takarai-san?" He repeated steadily.

"Dare ka...?" The faint voice came from Hyde’s throat with much effort, and he began to cough.

"Oh, prop him up! Prop him up! He will choke!" Tetsu screamed anxiously, and he moved forwards, again retained by Ken.

"I know my job, sir..." The doctor snapped dryly casting a condemning look on him. Tetsu nodded blushing.

Hyde opened his eyes unable to focus... He could only see shades and lights.

"Koko wa... doko?" The soft voice struggled to come out.

"It’s OK, Doiha-chan, you don’t need to talk if you feel weak!" Tetsu screamed unable to control himself, while Ken held him tightly trying to control him and Yukihiro helped preventing any possible "jump-on-Hyde" situation.

"I need him to talk, you know?" The doctor scolded Tetsu keenly.

Ken took Tetsu by the shoulder and pulled him back. The doctor sat on a chair by Hyde’s bed.

"You are at the hospital, Takarai-san. You tried to kill yourself." The doctor said calmly.

"I failed? I thought I was in Heaven already..." Hyde whispered.

"Apparently they kicked you back here, buddy..." Ken answered happy to hear Hyde talk.

"Ken-chan?"

"Hai."

"Tet-chan... doko?"

"Right here, pretty one." Tetsu answered crying. His voice cracking. Yukihiro smiled at the scene, rubbing Tetsu’s arm to comfort him and watching the frail man on the bed.

"Aa. I can’t see you Tet-chan... I can’t see shit... and I’m hungry..."

"Uh... I think he’s recovering..." Ken commented nodding and staring into Yukihiro’s direction, who in turn nodded too, even if in the back of his head he still considered his situation downright weird, he realized he was part of it all. He was as moved as everyone else in the room was.

Tetsu nodded. "Can I sit by him?" Tetsu asked the doctor.

"Hai." The doctor answered and Tetsu walked eagerly yet hesitantly towards the bed.

"Dame." Hyde answered, and Tetsu stopped.

"Wakatta. I know you are mad at me. You have a right to be." Tetsu answered sadly and retreated.

Hyde didn’t reply. He fell asleep again.

One day later, Hyde’s parents were with him in the room. Hyde was half-awake and tried to listen to what they said, or at least pretend he did.

His father was mad at him for trying to take his own life, and his mother was caressing his face and holding his hand, sitting by him.

"You have it all! Everything! You have money, fame, people adore you! What the hell possessed you to do something like this!! Baka!!" His father demanded enraged, pacing up and down the room nervously.

"I’m sorry..." Hyde whispered wearily. "Can I have a cigarette...?"

"You ain’t gonna smoke in a hospital bed!!!" His father yelled pointing at him furiously.

"OK. Only one?"

"No!"

"Son, please, be calm... You need rest..." His mother tried to soothe him, and prevent a coming argument.

"Just tell me why you did it?!" His father asked, angrily, and extremely worried.

"Dad... Mom... I’m in love with a guy." Hyde said in a tired voice, trying to put some silence in the room. The preaching was getting to his nerves even in his condition.

His parents looked at each other in surprise. His father gaped staring at Hyde’s mother, who shrugged, bearing the same expression on her face.

"This is all your fault..." Hyde’s father muttered furiously to his wife, who stared at him helplessly. "You’ve always doted him too much. I told you it was bad for him..."

"It’s not mom’s fault, dad. I just... fell in love with him. He treated me like a real person, you know? Not like a stupid doll... everyone else treats me like I’m some stupid doll... So, I couldn’t help falling in love with him."

"Anou... It... It’s OK, sonny... these days, nobody would be shocked to hear about...uh... those things..." Hyde’s mother tried to calm him down.

"... yeah..." Hyde trailed off.

"We love you, Hide-chan..." His mother went on caressing his forehead.

"... but he doesn’t..." Hyde said in a soft voice.

His parents were speechless.

"You wanted to kill yourself because you are in love with a man who doesn’t love you back? Did I hear right?" His father asked puzzled.

"That’s not true." A voice startled them a couple meters away. Tetsu had entered the room and decided to answer, startling everyone but Hyde, who smirked still eyes closed.

"Tet-chan... some timing you have..." He whispered.

"The man he loves, loves him back. He loves him madly. I guess they are both too stupid."

"How would you know, Tet-chan?" Hyde smirked and coughed. He had already spoken too much.

"I do know." Tetsu snapped.

"Why did he leave me on the hallway, then...?"

"He is a moron."

"Aa. Wakatta. Then, can you do me a favor, Tet-chan?"

"Un." Tetsu nodded, walking a few steps away from the door and slowly approaching the bed.

"Go, and tell him that I love him. That he should not fear."

"You will soon tell him yourself, Haido." Tetsu answered, his heart was racing.

"I will. I will stand in front of him and say it to his face. But right now I can’t do it the way I want to..."

"OK. I’ll leave you with your parents now." Tetsu said. His heart was beating fast, and his throat ached in the most poignantly acute pain.

"Thank you, Tet-chan..."

"No problem." Tetsu managed to reply, about to burst into tears. He bowed to Hyde’s parents and turned to walk out of the room again.

"Tet-chan...?"

"Yes, Haido?"

"When I get better, I will stand in front of you and tell you how I love you, how you made me rediscover love. You needn’t be afraid. Ai shiteiru Tet-chan. Kimi... dake..."

Hyde’s parents looked at each other startled. Then they both looked at Tetsu sharply. The slim bassist was petrified in his place, blushing, unable to utter a single word of apology or attempt the feeblest explanation after Hyde’s bold confession in front of his parents. And then three sets of eyes returned to Hyde who had his eyes still closed and smiled content on the bed.

"You... you mean... you...?" His mother started puzzled, attempting to confirm what she needn’t a confirmation for.

"I... I..." Tetsu tried to explain walking backwards and pressing his small frame against the door, fearing Hyde’s father was going to beat him to a pulp.

"He should marry me after having slept with me, right mom...?" Hyde protested making an effort to make his voice audible. "Make him..."

"Oh, man... you have to be a brat all the time!" Tetsu protested.

"I’m... I’m... I’m at a loss of words, my prince..." Hyde’s mother answered still shocked.

"I love him, mom. I love him so much..." Hyde whispered. Tetsu was aghast.

Hyde’s father sat on a chair unable to believe what he was hearing.

"Uh... sir... uh... look...with all due respect, he’s being delirious... I..."

"Shut up!" Hyde’s father shouted. And Tetsu obeyed promptly, nodding in fear.

"Nah... don’t be mean, dad. I am fine... especially now, that I know Tet-chan loves me too."