I've always known it... from the beginning.

At first I didn't care. It was his life after all. And whatever he wanted to do with it was his business, not mine... as long as it didn't get in the way with my business, of course.
I'm not the type to be meddling in other people's closet. You know what I mean. He said he was a straight guy. I never quite believed him. His manners, the way he spoke or moved his hands when he said something... the way he crossed his legs... To me it was evident: He was gay. But... How do you confront someone with that? I mean... How do you ask someone 'Hey, are you gay'? I couldn't come up with a delicate way to ask him, yet every little thing he did, confirmed it. And then again, why would I have to ask him? He'd say it was not my business... and he'd be right.

Well, in the beginning it was not really something I would go over all the time. Sometimes I'd think about it, especially when we were around him. But as time went by... I found myself thinking of him and his sexual preferences more and more often.
One day, I found out... No, I was scared to find out... Or should I rather say I was horrified to find out... that the idea of him being gay actually did turn me on.
It was a kinky thing... I would picture him in bed with another guy... and that turned me on. I could almost visualize him, lying on the bed, naked, legs parted, getting it from some other guy and moaning in pleasure. The image was blurry though.

But... How can anyone tell someone else 'Hey I picture you in bed with another guy and it turns me on'. There is no way you can say that, is there? No. At least not for me. Ken came to me one day and he told me... I remember this quite brightly, as if it had happened a few minutes ago, he said 'Are you aware of what's going on with those two?' Suddenly everything fell into place. I mean, in the back of my mind I was aware, but of course, I was trying to deny it.
'Yes.' I answered. 'It's none of our business.'

To be honest: it was fun. Watching them try to hide something that was so evident. Do you think there is anyone out there who had not noticed? I don't think so. Man, were they obvious sometimes.

And then, one day, after practice, I went upstairs to breath some fresh air... and I saw them.
It was not the way I had pictured it. I did not turn me on. It enraged me.

Hyde noticed me right away and broke away from Sakura. He ran to me blushing and stuttering, trying to explain something he didn't need to. It was too evident. I was not blind. Shortsighted, maybe, but certainly not blind.

'This is disgusting.' I told him harshly. 'Can't you guys go some place private?'
Hyde didn't answer. He stood there... a few inches away from me, looking at his shoes... I remember those shoes... those black suede shoes with rubber soles. He used to love those shoes.
So, there he stood. Without saying a word. Too embarrassed to say anything at all, I suppose. His head was leaning forwards, and his long wavy mane fell partially over his face. I bet he did that on purpose to cover his blushing. He's the type to be embarrassed rather easily.
I don't know why... but seeing him so vulnerable at the time, and the situation, I felt powerful. I felt mad and powerful, and that is a dangerous combination.
'If you don't have money for a motel, just ask me.' I spat and turned on my heels.

Hyde said nothing. He just stood there, motionless as I left. He never mentioned it to me. He never said a word about that incident. I'm sure I hurt him. And his silence, slowly began to hurt me.

By the end of the day, that lack of sound, those unspoken words... the shape of Hyde standing motionless before me without saying anything, was hurting more than a knife going through my chest.

'I've hurt a friend...' I thought. 'That's why it hurts.' I explained to myself. But the feeling was weird. I was still mad at him. 'He's endangering the band.' I tried to reason. My logic was crumbling slowly.

I suppose I was sore at the idea of having him break my kink. That thing that turned me on. It was not like in my daydreams. Having seen him holding on to the veranda while Sakura fucked him... and pardon my expression, but I find no better way to describe the situation... Well, having seen that... all the sexy, enticing images in my mind had shattered like a glass... vanished like the hideous smoke of their disgusting cigarettes... Oh... and that is a good comparison... vanished like the smoke, yes, but the stale scent persisted. Like the shadows of those images persisted in my mind, behind my eyes... I could still see the scene, like behind a dirty glass.

Hyde never mentioned a thing. And I guess he began to grow distant from me after that one incident. He was all smiles and hugs as usual... but there was something different in his manner... he was colder, like refraining himself, like... holding himself. As if he were no longer at ease. And I hated that. Why had he robbed me of my sweet parade of lusty images? Why? It was not harming him... especially since he didn't know.
And then, one day, I remember this quite well... We were on tour. Hyde and Sakura would always stay in the same room, whereas Ken and I would stay together. I remember Ken had gone out for something... maybe escort service... yeah, probably... And somehow, Sakura knew, because how would he have the perfect timing to knock on my door just a couple minutes after Ken had left?

Sakura came into my room. He said he needed to talk to me. I said OK. At that time I thought it was about band matters, so I didn't really think of Hyde at all.
'Tetsu... We won't do any harm, you know?' He said apologetically. I was surprised. I didn't quite understand what he meant.
'It's not that bad, after all...' I remember him going on a long speech... in a low voice, tinged of guilt, sadness, embarrassment... God knows what else. After a few minutes I caught on the topic. Him and Hyde... of course!

I don't quite remember everything he said, but I must tell you... he was a sweet-tongued guy. He could convince you of just about anything... The thing I remember more clearly now are his last words... 'Haido is feeling so guilty and sad...'

I particularly remember them because those words infuriated me. The little jerk had the nerve to send his lover to apologize for him?
'Haido is a grown-up man.' I said... or something like that. I remember Sakura didn't say anything. Just like Hyde that day on the rooftop. He didn't say anything. He just nodded, got up and left.

The rest of the week was hell for me. Not because anything bad had happened in the concerts... No. Actually the concerts were great. There were no arguments, no backdrops, nothing bad, really! But I felt uneasy since that talk with Sakura... like both his eyes behind me, at every performance, were trying to scout me, to call me, to tell me something I didn't want to hear.

And then again: Hyde. He didn't want to give me a straight look. His eyes might meet mine accidentally, and he would rapidly look away.
I remember the tension. Ken noticed it too... and Ken was my only means to soothe things in the band. That is IF I really wanted them soothed.
I remember talking to Ken after one of the post-gig parties. He was stunningly sober for once after a party, I guess that's why I picked that night to tell him. I was mildly drunk.

Yeah. Ken laughed at me. He laughed at all three of us. But that didn't hurt me... if someone had told me that very same story I would have laughed too. The thing that shocked me were his words.
'Are you jealous?' He asked me between laughs. I looked at him gaping. Deep inside I knew he had hit the right spot.

This question. The question I didn't dare to ask myself. 'Am I jealous?' kept lingering inside my head all night. And many nights after that one.

Months passed. I certainly had other matters to attend. At night I would sometimes feel the uneasiness that I knew was related to them, but I struggled to shake it off.

Then one night... Hyde calls me. It surprised me. He had stopped calling me after 'the' incident. He sounded scared.
'Listen, I know I'm a pain in the ass... I know I have no business asking you anything... but... Can I talk to you? Please...' he said... or something like that. I remember he started by putting himself down and apologizing, and then he said 'Can I talk to you?' I agreed to hear him, he said he'd drive to my place.
I shrugged and waited. Time seemed to slow down as I expected him. It was weird, for some reason I was very anxious.
Finally he knocked on my door. When I opened I was frightened to see him. He looked bad. Very bad.
I don't remember quite exactly how we arrived into the dining room, and he began speaking. His voice was soft, yet tense.
'Nobody... nobody will help me, and I know it. I know you won't either, but I really need help.' I remember he started crying in silence. It was like déjà vu. He was there, sitting on my sofa, motionless, crying in silence, his head bent forwards... this time his hair was short, yet it managed to shadow his face.
'Tetsu... I... I... I like guys...' He said. Some news it was to me. 'I like Sakura... I am sorry... I'm saying something you already found out...'
I didn't answer. I was puzzled.

'We... broke up.' He snapped and took off a cigarette from his cigarette case. Man, I hate tobacco. But I didn't have a heart to stop him.
'I am aware of just how pathetic this is. But I know no one will hear me, no one will care or help me... and I needed to talk.'
'Why me?' I thought. And unfortunately I voiced my thought.
'I'm sorry.' He whispered. 'I must tell you why we broke up.'
'You needn't. It's not my business.' I replied harshly. I certainly resented their relationship... and Ken's words came back, reverberating inside my head... 'Are you jealous, Tetsu?'
'It is. I've done something bad. He's done something bad.' Hyde mumbled.
'OK. Go and make up in bed. I really have more important things to do.' I answered. Yes, I had more important things to do... think of him... think of Hyde in bed with another guy... think of Hyde in bed... with me.
'Tetsu, listen to me, please. After saying this, I will leave. I promise.' Hyde insisted and pleaded, until I gave up...
'Sakura is doing hard drugs. He cannot stop it. I've tried to stop him, but he can't... I... I... I have... called the cops.'
'What?' I didn't quite understand. Hyde repeated the story with more detail. I knew Sakura was doing drugs. We had all done some at some time, but he was doing it steadily. I knew he was losing control. It was harder and harder to get him to work for the band... I supposed Hyde and him would have problems about it...

Hyde had called it quits. He had called the police, and ran away from Sakura's place. He had set him up. He had betrayed him... and he was making me an accomplice of his betrayal. And then, I wondered again... 'Why me?'
'I am regretting I did.' Hyde said with difficulty.

I swore, I screamed, I yelled. I grabbed him by an arm and dragged him to Sakura's home. The police had just left. He was at the police station. I did the same thing again at Sakura's place... the whole swearing, screaming, threatening, and grabbing Hyde by an arm and dragging him to the police station.
That night was the worst one of my life.

My dream rock-band was shattering because of a gay-lovers' fight.
The record company scowling at me the next day. Ken puzzling over what the hell was going on with everything, and reminding me of how he had given up a promising college career to join me in my dream and how I, being the leader, should have been more responsible. Hyde crumbling down and acting like a total mental case... Sakura in rehab.

I had to manage it all. Somehow I felt I didn't have enough hands to hold everything together and keep it from falling down. Somehow I didn't know who I should kill first... Hyde or Sakura... Or Ken for making me lose my patience...
On those hectic days, I wouldn't even think of this little secret dream of mine.

Until that day, the day Hyde broke down completely. He wanted Sakura out of jail; he wanted to undo what he had done. He wanted to... I don't know... he probably wanted to go back in time and change things... or something totally crazy like that.
He came to my place unexpectedly. He rang the bell and when I opened the door he kneeled in front of me... yes, man... I mean at the door... He kneeled in front of me crying and begging me to help him, to tell him what to do...

Man, he can be pathetic. Man, he can be selfish... Man... I can be selfish too.
I drew him inside. Actually, I grabbed him from the back of his neck and pushed him inside. I was tempted to punch him. He clang to my legs crying like a child. He was losing it.

'This is what you get when you act without thinking.' I scowled. 'This is GUILT, Haido.'
Hyde cried without speaking. He just cried, clinging to my legs.
'This is all your fault!' I screamed on top of my lungs, and that did it. He began to scream hysterically, begging for forgiveness... begging me to forgive him, begging Sakura to forgive him, begging Ken to forgive him... begging God to forgive him... I don't think there is anyone left he didn't apologize to... the list is long. And, yeah, the way he screamed... I think everyone could hear him in the building.

Inside me a deep breach began to open, splitting me in two... Two Tetsus. The sane one, the one that held the leadership of the band, the responsible one, wanted to kill Hyde.
The other one, the stupid one, the one that got highly turned on by thinking of Hyde naked in bed getting it from me... that one... that asshole Tetsu... wanted to hold him.
I had to merge both of them to be able to act sanely.
'Stop crying.' I said calmly. 'Go wash your face, I'll make a bed ready for you. Stay here tonight. I'll send you somewhere far tomorrow.'
Hyde didn't quite get it. He thought I was getting rid of him, which I was doing, but not in the way he thought. I was just trying to pull myself together and act smartly, and I knew I couldn't do that having him around, crying like a demented child.
'I will do anything you ask me to do, Tetsu. I swear I will. I will do just whatever you say.' Hyde begged, still kneeling on the floor.
'You better.' I answered harshly.

He slept at my place. And I didn't sleep at all. I guess he didn't sleep much either, I could hear his muffled cries from my bedroom. And for some reason, that turned me on. I still can't believe it. I was getting so turned on, when we were in the middle of this turmoil... in the middle of this chaos... yes... I was getting so turned on, I had to jerk off that night, unbeknownst to him.
Next day, I drove him to his place. Forced him to pack and sent him on three-month vacation.
He came back earlier. I called him.
Ken and I had sorted the situation. Hyde asked to speak to me, alone. I agreed, because I knew he would want to talk to me after all that had happened. And besides, man... had I missed him.

He apologized unendingly. He looked thinner, tired. He didn't dare to give me a straight look.
'I've brought this upon us, and I will fight to make up for my deeds...' he spoke softly, holding the tension inside him. 'We have all lost something important... I am the one that lost it all...'
'Sakura lost it all.' I corrected.
'I lost him. I lost it all.' He added, and I felt uneasy again. Troubled, anxious, and angry at him.
'You'll find another lover.' I snapped with a despising tone.
He said nothing again. He gave me the same silence and stillness he would always give me.
I dismissed him, and went back to my chores.
We hardly ever talked on those days, except for band matters.

Then, one night... after having jerked off at the thought of him, yeah, like I had done countless times after that fated night... I really had to come to terms with him, and my feelings... so I called him. I went to his place. I don't remember how the conversation turned into a confession from me... I knew he would be shocked... but instead I was shocked... He smiled at me.
He smiled sweetly. He tilted his head to one side and smiled at me. He agreed to it.
And my dreams came true.
I will never know if that was what he meant by making it up for us. I will never know why he did it. I will never know what he felt.

I never dared to ask him again.
He left a note in my make-up kit box, once.
'Don't be hard on yourself, Tetsu. Everything is fine.'
This twisted thing has chained us together, and at the same time pushed us apart... The chain is so tight, it hurts to death.

And then again... Hyde. I wonder about him. He's so distant. His detachment prevents me from learning what he feels. He never smiles. He is always lost... somewhere in his thoughts. I know he is not happy. He just bears the burden. Same as I do.
And I realized fulfilling my dream was also losing it. Remembering that night brings chills down my spine.
He's a zombie... wandering inside his world, not paying attention to the reality around him anymore.
My dreams became nightmares. And now I'm not wondering about jealousy anymore... No... It'd be stupid. Now I wonder... 'Could I have fallen in love with him?' 'Could I have been happy with him had I waited?'
And also... 'Will he be happy someday?' All I wish for, right now, is a chance. A chance to tell him I have forgiven him. A chance to tell him I didn't mean wrong, I didn't mean to use him… I never meant to take advantage of him. A chance to tell him that, even if I resented it from the start, I had always been in love with him.
I could tell him, yeah, I know... but... you see. He just doesn't listen... he just can't.

The end