L'Arc en Ciel Fanfiction ~Stained Glass~ Fall Apart

Episode I: Rough Awakening

A mischievous ray of sunlight tickled the sleeping small man’s nose and caused him to twitch. He reluctantly shifted his body to the opposite side, hiding his face away from the window. His hair rested on the pillow like a waterfall of short silk strands, entangled with each other, spread erratically on the cream-colored linen folds, coming into view like careless strokes of an impressionist painter’s brush. A sheer white sheet lightly covered his frail body, and the delicate shape curling underneath was easy to guess in the faint morning light.

He sighed, unwilling to wake from his dream. His hands moved slowly and suddenly clutched his pillow tightly, pressing his face in the soft, clear material. His legs moved sensuously uncurling, gradually, as if he were probing the softness of the bed. Then he stretched them, together with his arms, which lovingly reached the long adored shape lying beside him.

"Cherry blossoms..." Hyde whispered smiling, eyes still closed.

The man beside him moved slightly away, his pleasant sleep troubled by his lover’s tickling fingers.

"Sakura..." Hyde purred in a husky voice.

"Sleep..." Sakura mumbled.

"Cherry blossoms..."

"OK. Go pick them up and let me sleep." Sakura began noticing the bad hangover he was getting from the night before.

"I dreamt of cherry blossoms..."

"Good. Shut up. Sleep. Dream of orchids next."

Hyde opened his eyes startled. He propped himself up and looked at Sakura sleeping by his side. Hyde’s eyes suddenly became full of sorrow. He got up and awkwardly walked towards the bathroom. All of a sudden reality had broken in once again shattering his dream.

"When will this all end?" He wondered, a clinging sensation of vertigo growing in his chest. "It didn’t use to be this way..." He washed his face and hands and looked at his strikingly attractive but worried face in the mirror while biting on a toothbrush.

"I need a shave..." He thought examining his face and touching it with his slim fingers, and he fumbled through the diverse objects in the bathroom cabinet looking for a razor and foam.

After he was finished in the bathroom, he walked towards the bedroom again, and carefully sat by Sakura, who was sound asleep.

"Sakura... will you have breakfast with me?" Hyde asked softly, laying his feet close to Sakura’s chest. Both of his legs folded, and his arms wrapped around them. The shimmering light made his silk sleep wear shine lightly.

Sakura protested and turned clutching his pillow.

"Please...?" Hyde moved leaning over Sakura.

"Go have breakfast! Let me sleep, Haido!!" Sakura yelled.

Hyde sighed. He looked down and caressed Sakura’s back slightly.

"Haido! Let me sleep!!" Sakura yelled angrily.

"Un. Wakatta." Hyde lowered his eyes again and got up. He walked towards the kitchen alone.

"Why aren’t things working out?" Hyde sighed as he prepared to cook his breakfast. His eyes were itchy, wanting to cry, yet the tears were held back by Hyde’s will. He turned on the stove and took a frying pan from the cupboard compartment under the sink, poured oil in it and after a few seconds he cracked a couple eggs into the hot oil and stirred them mechanically.

He had had this withheld crying feeling for the last 6 months... Sakura and Hyde had been a couple for 3 years... those were the best years Hyde could remember. He was deeply in love with Sakura... Sakura had taken care of Hyde, and let Hyde take care of him too. They had been very happy together, shared so many moments of joy... even Tetsu had finally come to agree with their relationship... even given him advice... even helped them make up after their lovers’ quarrels.

But lately... Sakura was changed... Amazing how one misstep could make the most wonderful relationship in his life fall to pieces.

After having finished cooking his first meal in the day, Hyde turned off the stove and poured the scrambled eggs into a shallow dish. He opened the refrigerator and poured himself a glass of orange juice... mandarin oranges, his favorites, straight from the town where he had grown up.

He walked to the dining room and sat on a rocking chair placing the dish of food on his lap. He started drinking his juice and as he did his mind wandered off to the story of their love... he slowly tasted his breakfast, in an automatic motion, sinking deep in his thoughts.

Sakura lied in bed. He was trying to go back into that numbness level he had experienced until right before Hyde had woke him up. He wanted this bad hangover to go... the pain was growing in his body, expanding, grabbing a strong hold on him... even the sunlight hurt against his closed eyes.

Sakura extended his hand, and taunted blindly inside his side’s night table’s lower drawer, he pulled off a small box and opened it.

"I need this shit, dammit... again." He said to himself as he tied the rubber band around his left arm, holding one of its ends with his teeth.

"Ah... Haido..." Sakura whispered still eyes closed. "You are such a selfish brat... Why did you wake me up?"

Hyde finished eating his breakfast after a while, almost without realizing. From time to time he tried to peek into the bedroom. He knew just what Sakura was doing. He could guess it. He was getting high again. It had become a pattern. This secret between them was shattering him. It was like a pact of silence, Hyde couldn’t tell anyone, even if everyone suspected it. He would have wanted so badly to tell Tetsu, but he knew he shouldn’t.

There were times he would scream inside his head, begging for help. He didn’t know what to do anymore... He wanted to help Sakura. He wanted everything to be perfect like before... but he didn’t know how. The turmoil he was living in took all of his strength and cluttered his mind without letting him think of a good plan, and day after day; night after night; he would put the whole situation off, and simply bear with it.

Yet... Sakura had yelled at him so many times that all of this was his fault. He had told him so many times that he wouldn’t have started it if it weren’t for Hyde’s own detachment, his failure to show true feelings... his selfishness... his ego... his lies... Hyde was beginning to believe it, and this feeling of guilt also prevented him from asking for help. He didn’t need yet someone else putting more weight on his shoulders.

"But I love you, Sakura..." Hyde said to himself. "Even if it’s hard for me to say those words without feeling embarrassed... you should know I love you..."

Sakura got up stumbling, his perception of the room was somehow distorted, and he reached out for the doorknob that was very far in his mind, yet quite close in reality... He tripped and grabbed the knob with his both hands. Sakura started laughing like a lunatic. Hyde was startled. He got up from his seat and putting the dish and glass away, he walked fast towards the bedroom. He pushed the door open and saw Sakura sitting by it, holding the knob and laughing.

"Sa... Sakura... daijobu?"

"Haaaiii!!!! Haido!!" Sakura laughed uncontrollably.

Hyde kneeled down and tried to pick him up. His efforts were useless, Sakura finally pushed him away, and Hyde hit the wall mildly.

"Uh... Sa... Sakura..."

"Get out of here! You merciless creep!" Sakura cut in.

"But... but... Sakura... Ore ha..."

"Get out!" Sakura screamed again interrupting Hyde.

"Let me help you... please..."

"I don’t need your help, you, fuck-bunny! Go have fun with your groupies!" Sakura snapped sarcastically.

"Sakura... please... don’t start..."

"Get the fuck out!" Sakura yelled even louder.

"I won’t get the fuck out!! This is my house!!" Hyde yelled irritated.

"Fine. Then I’ll leave." Sakura muttered between teeth.

"Sakura, please... I don’t want you to leave! Please, stay with me and let me help you!" Hyde pleaded a couple meters away from his lover. He feared to get any closer to him.

Sakura stood up, and walked awkwardly towards Hyde, eyes unfocused, a silly grin plastered in his face.

"Sa... Sakura..." Hyde mumbled, wanting to run away at the sight, but failing to do so.

"OK... I’ll stay with you, my merciless lover..."

"I’m not merciless... I..."

Sakura grabbed Hyde by the waist cutting the sentence the petit man had started, and lifting him he put the small vocalist on his left shoulder, then he walked towards the bed and threw him forcefully on it. Hyde tried to rise, but in no time Sakura was pinning him down and smiling at him in such a sweet yet evil way... Hyde didn’t fight. He gave in. Maybe if he pleased him he would act normal just for today.

Hyde closed his eyes as he felt Sakura tearing his clothes up. It was going to be one of those rough sex drills... one of those... that always left him sore and crying in silence. One of those... the kind that had never happened in the past... but were so usual in the present.

Hyde shrieked as he felt Sakura’s strong arms pulling his legs apart, holding them up in both hands. The movement had been sudden and Hyde could feel an increasing burn in his muscles, a deaf pain he knew would be nothing compared to what was coming.

"C...careful... Sakura..." Hyde pleaded, his voice tinged of fear.

Sakura grinned, his eyes unfocused, and pushed himself inside Hyde in a powerful thrust that made the small man cry on top of his lungs... his eyes full of tears... the pain was so intense he sensed he could faint at any time.

"Shut up!" Sakura ordered him. And Hyde obeyed crying in silence and biting his lower lip... tasting the blood in his mouth, and digging his nails deep in his palms. The pain was unbearable... again. Hyde could feel Sakura’s hard thrusts, the intense drilling inside him that was shattering him, parting his body in two, causing him this indescribable pain that he had gotten used to lately, quite in spite of him. He wanted to scream, he wanted to escape this routine that felt like rape more than love. He held his breath suffering, agonizing in pain, feeling his legs go numb at the ache. Hyde kept his eyes tightly shut, all kinds of shapes twisting in front of his closed eyelids, the perception of the situation was awfully acute for him... yes, he wanted to shout... yes, he was too scared to do it and disobey his abuser. After a few minutes Hyde fainted. Sakura never noticed, and kept on pushing hard inside him for a while longer.

The tall dark-haired man finally walked out of the room tumbling, he rushed into the bathroom and kneeling down before the toilet he began to throw up.

"Why have you abandoned me... pretty one?" Sakura repeated inside his head. "Your soft touch, your sweet smile... where has it gone? Why have you left me with this poor imitation of the frail lover you used to be...?" Sakura cried as he retched. "Your voice is the same, your smell is the same... but your eyes are cold, your smile is cold... fame got to your head real bad... pretty one..."

Hyde slowly woke up from his blackout... his body was sore and his legs were still numb. He could hardly move, and he shuddered as a sensation of cold ran down his spine.

"Sakura... Why are you treating me like this...?" he asked himself choking his need to cry. He looked at his side and saw the heap of shreds that used to be his pajamas and underwear... he even feared to reach out for them.

Hyde crawled out of bed shivering in pain with every move he made.

"I need a warm bath..." he thought. "He might be calmer now..." he tried to convince himself, more a wish than a certainty; and slowly struggled towards the bathroom. The door was locked. Hyde curled in a ball waiting silently for Sakura to open it.

"You are such a bastard..." Hyde thought. "You are using me, and disposing of me... to go after your lovers and drugs... you broke up all your promises... and yet... I still love you blindly... I follow you blindly... How can I be so stupid, Sakura...?" Hyde sobbed in silence by the door, his frail naked body leaning against the cold wood. He rested his forehead on his folded knees and tried to breathe deeply, in an effort to push the pain away by forcing oxygen into his lungs. The pain didn’t wear off.

Sakura walked out of the bathroom without looking at Hyde who stayed curled by the door, expecting his lover to cast a compassionate look at him... hoping in vain that he would take him in his arms, like before... and kiss his tears away. But Sakura got dressed and grabbed his wallet and keys.

"You are leaving..?!" Hyde asked forcing himself to make his voice audible beyond the pain.

"Yeah."

"You will go to see your dealer!! Or your fucking lovers!!" Hyde protested in tears, still crouching by the bathroom door.

"Yeah."

"Why? Just why? Why can’t you stay with me?!"

Sakura shrugged. "I can’t go on fucking you, you are too ruined. Your ass is bleeding." He said and closed the door behind him.

"Bastard..." Hyde said between clenched teeth, crying bitterly still in the same position.