L'Arc en Ciel Fanfiction .::. Fall Apart

Episode 3 ~Heart Wounds~

The phone woke Hyde up, he struggled to walk towards it and answer.

"Moshi, moshi..." Hyde said in a weary voice.

"Oh... man... don’t tell me you just got up, it’s 4PM!!"

"Tet-chan!"

"Yeah. Is Sakura with you?"

"Nah... uh... he went out... for a walk..."

"Ah. I see. I wanted to ask you two to come over to my place..."

"Oh... I’ll go..."

"It’s OK, Haido. Wait for Sakura and you two come over."

"You don’t want me to go alone? You think I’m that stupid?"

"Doiha-chan! Of course I don’t! Don’t be silly!"

"Ah. But... yeah..." Hyde felt the pain in his body as he tried to get up "Wait... I’ll think about it, cuz... maybe Sakura will come and he won’t see me..."

"Well, leave him a note, and come over! Dummy!"

"Ah. Un. Is Ken-chan there?"

"Yeah."

"Ah... band meeting..."

"Well, are you coming or not?"

"Ah. You didn’t call Sakura’s cell phone?"

"No, not yet. What’s the matter Haido? Another fight?"

"Uh... no... no..." Hyde lied. He could barely move after the violent sex they had had.

"What’s the matter, Haido?"

"Nuthing! I... if it’s too urgent, I will go, but otherwise... I... my stomach is upset... I’d rather stay at home."

"Good. Hmm... Haido. Do as you please. If you choose to come, please let me know. I’ll call Sakura’s cell phone now."

"Oh. OK."

"Bye now, Haido."

"Bye, Tet-chan."

Hyde hung up and started to cry softly standing beside the small table where the telephone was. "I can’t tell you, Tet-chan... I can’t... cuz you will get so mad... cuz it’s so embarrassing and pathetic... cuz I don’t know myself what’s going on..."

"Are you sure?" Ken asked mildly irritated. He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply from it.

"Yes, Ken... Haido and Sakura had another fight." Tetsu relented.

"It’s been like this for the last six months..." Ken commented preoccupied, his stare fixed on Tetsu’s eyes.

"Yeah. But neither of them will talk." Tetsu sighed. He was worried beyond words.

Ken scratched his head while holding his cigarette between his lips and stared at Tetsu worriedly. "This is so bad..." He mumbled

"You tell me..."

"So... we won’t discuss the next album today..."

"No, I don’t think so."

"It’s bad for the band, you know? We are getting behind..."

"I know Ken!! It’s just that... there isn’t much I can do if neither of them wants to talk!!"

"Give me the phone, Tet-chan. I’ll call Sakura. You are too soft." Ken blurted out irritated.

"Just... just... be careful... I mean... don’t be your usual blunt self, be cautious... polite... ‘nuancé’"

Ken glared at Tetsu while dialing Sakura’s number. "You think I can’t be tactful??"

"Exactly."

"You’ll see. I’m king of sweet talkers..."

"Well, just ask him to come over, don’t hit on him..." Tetsu commented. He had the growing feeling that he would regret it.

"Yo, Sakura!" Ken greeted cheerfully.

"Hmm?" Sakura moaned. He didn’t even remember having picked up his cell phone.

"Where are you, man?"

"In bed." Sakura sounded sleepy.

"OK. Just whose bed, cuz Haido is alone at home."

Tetsu was startled to hear that, and poked at Ken’s ribs, giving him a meaningful look.

"Someone... I don’t remember her name." Sakura’s slurred voice let out.

"Ah... so you’ve been screwing around!" Ken exclaimed, and Tetsu held his head between his hands. He couldn’t believe Ken.

Ken looked at Tetsu and shrugged puzzled.

"So, Sakura, why don’t you get your pants on and come to Tet-chan’s... we have band meeting."

"Uh... OK. In a while."

"Yeah, well, do your last quickie and come here."

"Wakatta. Haido ha?"

"He’s crying at home, I think. You fucked him bad?"

Tetsu was already doing his sleeves up in order to hit Ken unconscious to the floor.

"Yeah... I guess his butt must be sore..."

"Uh, I see. Well, then do the band a big favor, pick him up and drag him here. We’ll give him cushions. Next time be careful."

"Yeah."

"Bye now, Sakura."

"Bye."

Ken hung up and a shower of kicks fell upon his body. Tetsu was crying in fury.

"Just why?! Why?! Why do you have to be so blunt and untactful all the time, Ken-chan?!!!"

"Huh? He didn’t get pissed..." Ken shrugged. "Besides I didn’t say anything untrue."

"I just... I can’t... I can’t believe this, Ken!!!"

"I didn’t say, ‘yo, Sakura, you tore Haido’s asshole up? Cuz he sounds fucked up.’ And I was tempted to." Ken answered shrugging.

Hyde walked towards his bed wrapped in a towel. The chilly breeze coming from the partially open windows made him shudder constantly. He opened his closet and took off a big sweater. He put it on, and walked in his slippers towards the kitchen.

"Coffee... coffee..." Hyde mumbled. The sweater and slippers were all the clothes he had on.

He got himself a cup of coffee, and went into the dining room. He kneeled on the sofa, and turned on the TV, absentmindedly going from one TV channel to another while sipping his coffee.

"It will wear off... it always wears off... the pain will wear off..." He tried to convince himself.

Suddenly the image of a couple kissing by the beach made him stop. The sunset behind them was breathtaking... the raging sea... the passionate kiss...

"I lived something like that once..." he mumbled. His mind going back to the safety of sweet memories.

Hyde and Sakura had been living together for six months then... And Sakura thought it would be a great idea to take a vacation trip, both of them, alone.

"Hey, bishounen..." Sakura said audibly happy in his deep voice.

"Huh?" Hyde muttered. He was concentrated playing with his playstation.

"Got news for you..." Sakura said smiling happily.

"OK." Hyde didn’t look. He was focused on the game.

"I mean it, man... come here." Sakura pleaded.

"I can’t Sakura, I’ll get killed if I go!"

"That new toy of yours is more important than me?" Sakura scolded him. "How mean you are..."

"No." Hyde kept playing.

"Then drop it before I unplug it." Sakura snapped tapping his foot to the floor.

"Hold on a sec!"

Sakura pulled from the wire and unplugged the playstation.

"Iiyaaa!!!! Dameeee!!!!!" Hyde yelled in a terror expression.

"Pay attention to me, dammit!"

"Kuso!! Sakura!! Why the fuck did you do that?!"

"What do I have to do? Beg?" Sakura protested.

"Beg for what, baka?!" Hyde asked overly irritated.

"For you to listen!!" Sakura shook Hyde mildly by the shoulders and put a couple bus tickets in front of the small man’s eyes.

"Huh?" Hyde didn’t quite understand.

"Vacation Resort..."

"Huh??"

"Let me explain this to you simply: You, me, vacation together, romantic place."

"Hontou???!!!" Hyde jumped up and hugged Sakura. "Where, Sakura? And when are we going?"

"This weekend. We leave on Friday, and return on Tuesday. You like the idea?"

"Of course!! I’ll pack up some stuff!"

"Today is Monday, Haido..." Sakura held him back by an arm.

"I’ve an idea!! I’ll pick your clothes, and you pick mine! That way we’ll be dressed just like the other one loves us best." Hyde said smiling.

"That’s a silly idea, Haido!" Sakura chuckled. "I don’t wear fancy clothes like you..."

"No, of course it’s not! It’s a great idea, like all my ideas!"

"OK... have it your way..." Sakura said rolling his eyes and smiling. He had lost his head for that small framed man. He would let him do anything.

"Oh, man... those days..." Hyde smirked, and closed his eyes leaning his head backwards...

The Resort was indeed a beautiful place. Hyde was protesting that Sakura had picked only gowns and dresses for him, and barely enough underwear.

"Hey, it was your idea, don’t bug." Sakura shrugged puzzled.

"How can you be so baka, Sakura?!" Hyde protested almost in tears as he fumbled in his suitcase.

"Well, I like you in your delicate gowns..." Sakura smirked and caressed Hyde’s shoulders.

"Moron!! Those are for photo shoots and lives!! Not for vacation!! I don’t even have a swimsuit!!" Hyde screamed shaking off Sakura’s hand.

Sakura shrugged. "Well, you can swim naked... there aren’t many people here this time of the year..."

"I can’t possibly do that!!" Hyde said crying in anger.

"Oh, well... you are impossible... I have everything I need with me."

"Yeah! Cuz I packed your stuff!!"

"Nah. Cuz I got my cigarettes, my wallet, and you... and lubricant, of course." Sakura grinned impishly.

Hyde looked down at the floor. "Wakatta." He said. "I’m happy just to be with you too, Sakura."

"Really?" Sakura said lighting a cigarette.

"I’m sorry, Sakura... This is a great thing. Thanks for bringing me here..." Hyde said in a soft voice, feeling very guilty. He was kicking up a prima donna scene and ruining the trip that he knew Sakura had planned with so much illusion.

"My pleasure, pretty one." Sakura answered softly and put his cigarette lovingly between Hyde’s lips. Hyde took it and inhaled, watching Sakura walk out of the room.

"I guess that was the first time I disappointed you... wasn’t it, Sakura? You started thinking that I was a brat then..." Hyde said aloud staring at the TV. Tears pooling in his eyes. "Maybe I am after all. Little did I know I’d make it all even worse in time..." He sighed. "Saa... you were so sweet with me on those days... I miss that so much..."

Sakura stumbled out of the apartment he had spent most of the afternoon at. He wasn’t sure about where he was, or towards where he had to walk, but he was too stoned to go and ask a cop. So he looked for the closest subway station.

The image of Hyde’s face popping up before his eyes at every minute.

"Hyde... his long wavy hair... so shiny and smooth. His lovely face, his mischievous grin... his shyness... all is gone.

You cut your hair, made your eyes colder, and your smile wicked... your shyness is gone... you are such a diva... You laugh at me, all the time... I know... you put up your angelic act, but then you laugh at me... Hyde... I used to love you so dearly... and you, big liar... you... Right now... I think I hate you."

A skinny blond girl showed up in front of Sakura and smiled at him. She was in her late teens... maybe. He considered following her, but he remembered, in a corner of his mind, that he had to reach Tetsu’s place.

Hyde began to get dressed and decided to go see Tetsu and Ken. He struggled to go to the bedroom and he kneeled by the chest of drawers, fumbling in them until he found a piece of underwear he liked.

"Gray." Hyde snapped. "It’s OK. Nobody will see it and it’s comfortable." He put on boxers, and a pair of socks.

"Slacks..." He thought. "I can’t stand anything tight now..."

He went to the closet to grab a pair of black baggy pants.

"Ah... right now the gowns would come in so handy..." Hyde smirked bitterly, his face stroke by pain and anger.

"How can you do this to me, Sakura?! You’ll pay for this, dammit!! You will!! I can’t understand how I can still love you, you son of a bitch!!" Hyde cried on his knees. His voice cracked, and suddenly, hitting the floor with his fists, he started to yell on top of his lungs.

"You fuck me until I pass out, make me sore and wounded, and then you leave to go get high and fuck with the many drug addicts you have for lovers...!! And I’m here... like an idiot!! Waiting for you!! Damn you! Damn you, bastard!!" Hyde kept crying, and his own words came to his head in an instant... the words of this song... his very own, they had seemed to take a full new meaning to him... maybe the meaning they had unconsciously meant to have from the start.

Onaji kizuato o tsuke
onaji kutsuu o
kare ni mo ataete agetai.
Nukedasenai akumu o ima sugu
kare ni mo ataete agetai.
Kuruisouna kyoufu o
nandomo kanawanu negai

(A/N: The same scar,
the same pain
I want to give him too.
A nightmare you're unable to escape,
I want to give him too, right now.
Maddening fear, again and again,
Unfulfilled hopes.) (All Dead... words and music by Hyde)

"Bastard!! You’re gonna pay for this!! I’ll never forgive you! You are using me, bastard!!" Hyde yelled and hit the floor crying. "Why do I have to go through this?!, Why?? Why?? This time I won’t forgive you!!! This time I know I am right and you are wrong, dammit!! Why do I have to go through this?!" Hyde screamed hysterically banging his head against the bed and crying in despair. "I don’t deserve this!!"

The sun was setting slowly on the horizon, Sakura was still in bed, and Hyde was humming around the hotel room and examining every piece of art he would find hanging from the walls.

"Sakura... you should come here and learn a little about art..." He started. "For example, do you have the faintest idea who Gaugin was?"

"Uh... no. She was cute?"

"HE was a painter! Very important one! There’s a replica of one of his masterpieces here... Come take a look."

"Don’t give me that new-rich crap, Haido..." Sakura sighed laughing.

"What are you talking about? I like art!!" Hyde protested irritated.

"OK. Enjoy it in silence... I’m enjoying bed... and the smell of the great sex we had a couple hours ago, while I smoke..."

"Saaa!!! Don’t smoke in bed!" Hyde protested and rushed towards the room, trying to get the cigarette away from Sakura and put it out. Sakura avoided his hands playfully.

"It’s so bad for me! Sakura! Stop smoking in bed!"

"What are you talking about? You smoke too!!"

"Yeah, but not in bed! Now, that’s why I keep sneezing!"

Sakura put the cigarette out and held Hyde by the arms. "Come closer, bishounen... you look like a girl in that gown."

"Yeah, but I’m a guy, and I’ll kick you down there if you smoke here again."

"Hahaha! You sound like Tet-chan!"

"Yeah? Well, I’ll dump you and I’ll start dating Tet-chan, cuz he won’t smoke in bed!"

"Really?" Sakura provoked him and pulled from Hyde causing him to fall on top of his naked body.

"Tet-chan is too nice... you will miss my macho expertise..."

Hyde chuckled. "Yeah, I’ll miss this..." Hyde said as he caressed Sakura’s crotch.

"You want it again?" Sakura asked playfully.

"Maybe..." Hyde grinned sheepishly at him.

Sakura slid his hands under Hyde’s white silk gown and caressing his skin under it, he pulled it off. Hyde raised his arms to help him and chuckled pleased.

"Ohh... no underwear, Haido?"

Hyde snickered.

Sakura got up suddenly and pushed Hyde down, pinning him to the bed. Hyde’s legs folded, Sakura held his lover’s knees up, unfolding them, and wrapping the thin legs around his shoulders. Hyde’s soft brown hair spread on the tan sheets, his closed eyes and his priceless smile made him look like a creature from Heaven. The small man’s contagious laughter flooded the room as Sakura whispered against his stomach, kissing it.

"Nobody will ever make love to you the way I do... so you better stick for what’s best for you... pretty one..."

"How can you know...?" Hyde moaned caressing Sakura’s head.

"Because you are mine. And because I’m the best at it."

Hyde moaned as the kisses moved towards his groin.

"I’ll make you scream until the hotel staff comes to see what’s happening..."

"Ah... un... sou shite ne..." Hyde purred and said between gasps, feeling Sakura’s fingers slowly sliding inside him while his lover’s mouth caught his arousal softly.

"I’d give anything... everything! To be able to go back in time..." Hyde sobbed as he painfully walked out of the apartment, heading for Tetsu’s home.

His footsteps were heavy and he hid his face behind dark glasses, even if it was getting dark already. He had made sure he was carrying everything in his bag. There was a strong chance that Sakura wouldn’t go... nor be at home by the time he came back.

"I wish... I wish... I wish..." Hyde mumbled to himself as he walked, staring at the floor, trying to hold back tears. "I wish... everything were like before... Sakura..."

Suddenly he felt a strong hand pulling him back. Hyde turned and saw a tall dark-haired man holding him by the shoulder.

"Sa... Sakura?" He looked again. It was not him.

"You almost got hit by a car, young man." The now visibly older man said.

"Ah... gomen... gomen... I was... distracted..."

"I can see that. Be careful." The man nodded and walked away.

"Shit, that was close..." Hyde thought, and looked up at the traffic light. "... I didn’t see it..."

Hyde crossed the street and stopped at the corner, sheltering himself against a wall, he took his cell phone and called Tetsu.

"Tet-chan?"

"Haido!"

"I’m outside the Shirotsuki Cafe, five blocks away from your place."

"Well... What are you waiting for? Come here!"

"Uh... Is Sakura there yet?"

"No, not yet. He’s taking long."

"He probably got lost..." Hyde lowered his voice.

"Well, he’s a grown up man, he will find his way back home, Haido."

"No... no... He’s like a stray kitten. I’ll go look for him."

"No, Haido! Come here now! Haido!!"

Hyde hung up.

"Sakura... you’re high as a kite and walking blindly along the streets... baka... you might get hit by a car..." Hyde mumbled and turned to walk towards the neighborhood where he knew Sakura’s dealer lived. "I have to find you before you get killed, Sakura... you’ll see I’m not that selfish..."

Hyde walked slowly towards the darkest part of Tokyo.

"I’ll hold you in my arms, and I’ll take you back home... and when you wake up, you will be grateful and you will drop this stupid grudge you’ve been having against me." Hyde pushed his fists inside his pockets. "If you drop it, I’ll forgive you..."