From the beginning I always expected things to go right.

Nobody expects failure honestly. We all might sense failure coming at one point or another of our lives, but we never truly wish for it.

However, when success arrives, it sometimes wipes off a large portion of what you’ve always considered to be essential. And sometimes it can be harder to handle than failure.

I remember how I lost the last thin thread of connection I had with myself... my true self, that is.

Right now, when I think of it, I can’t help getting this feeling of waving goodbye to an old friend for the last time.

The way I lost innocence was gradual... not really brutal.

Sudden was the way I realized of its loss.

Tetsu had said I had to give more to the band, contribute more. I wouldn’t do much more than play drums and cooperate with some arrangements lately. Only one song I had written music for had made it to an album and he was on my back regularly for it. It was always hard for me to compose.

I guess that day Tetsu was on one of his irregular anxiety-infused days, when everything had to go his way or he would just fire anyone, or give us hassle, or just simply sink in a couch and cry. Tetsu has always been hard to understand for me. I’ve always liked him... workaholic as he is, but I’ve never managed to quite comprehend him.

In any case, he had asked me to work harder for it, and I guess he was right. For some time I had been trying to hinder myself in fear of losing even more of my own concept of reality. In fear of not being able to account for how big the loss was.

When the brightness of lights and glory dimmed after every show, I realized of Sakura’s own radiance. His glamorous persona took over me slowly but relentlessly.

And Yasunori gave way to him willingly, ignorant of what it would really bring along. Even happily, I should say.

Yes, I, Yasunori, let him take my life of my own free will.

The glamorous life of L’Arc en Ciel’s drummer was utterly attractive to me; and I never knew what it would bring until it was too late.

So Tetsu ordered, and Sakura obeyed, relinquishing Yasunori’s wishes to go easy and the warning echoes of imprisonment.

In the course of days... months... probably years, I had thought of a lyric... I was just going nowhere with the matching music.

It was impossible for me to concentrate amidst all of the internal screams against Sakura’s way of life.

"You have deserted yourself, Yasunori... You have lost your essence. And now you can no longer tell what’s real and what’s but mere
illusion..."

Like night and day Sakura’s image opposed that of Yasunori: my true self.

But Yasunori was not necessary for the band, Sakura was. And Sakura couldn’t compose with Yasunori rambling about life and moral questions.

So Sakura called an ally. One that had long ago stopped being his real self.

"Hai?"

"Ore da yo! Baka!" Hyde mumbled irritably over the entry phone.

"Come in, Haido-kun."

It was amazing. At a time I used to believe he was the type to keep himself true to his nature, beyond all the fame and glamour. But that was probably the increasing influence of a growing Sakura inside me leading me to believe in whatever was convenient for him to.

Hyde was at my door in no time. It was early... at least for me. I was just finished having my morning smoke and I knew I looked nothing near glamorous... Nothing near Sakura.

"Ohayo!" He greeted happily from the door. A half-smoked tan cigarette between the fingers of his right hand, and his guitar hanging from his left shoulder together with a small white, knit tote. He was completely dressed in white. Ample slacks and matching rayon shirt.

"...Ah..." I burst into a laughing fit upon seeing him at my door.

"Oe! What’s the hell with you, moron?!" His expression went from happy to irked in a matter of seconds.

"You are wearing make-up?! In broad daylight and for no reason?!" That was actually the thing that caught my attention first.

The sheer view was something to chuckle at. Especially in my Yasunori condition of messy hair, morning breath, flannel shirt and worn-out shorts.

"Fuck you! Like you look that great..." He spat angrily and pushed me lightly.

"Better ugly than gay..."

"You’re never ugly..." Hyde muttered and smirked taking off his shoes and driving me a little apart to go into my apartment confidently, as if it were his own.

"Sa... I come all the way here to help you with your freaking song and this is the kinda treatment I get? I guess I must really like you not to get the fuck outta here..."

"Yeah... maybe." I shrugged and smiled dismissing the nagging. How could he start the day in such a glamorous fashion?

He was small and childish looking in that hair bob. Still is, but his expression shows the passing of time on it now.

"Are you awake enough to start, or should I give you some time to go pee and all...?"

"Nah... We can start." I went over to my drums and handed Hyde a folded piece of paper."

"Whazzat?" He asked distractedly while taking his guitar out of its case.

"The lyric." I mumbled blushing. I’ve never been quite of a lyricist, unlike him.

"Oh. You already got a lyric." He observed while he sat down with his guitar in right position.

"Well, yeah..."

"That’ll save us some time."

"I thought so."

Hyde smiled, comfortably sitting on my couch and pouted mischievously. "Good boy..."

"Want some coffee? I’ve just made some." I offered looking away. I really hated it when he started giving the sissy dramatizing performance. Especially off-stage.

"Oh, OK. Thanks."

I padded slowly to the kitchen, yawning and stretching my arms behind my back. I scratched my head and pawed for the coffee jug and a mug.

Neither of Yasunori’s kitchen appliances was glamorous. They were rather dull. The color-faded mugs, the ordinary kitchen lamp, the dirty-looking floor and just... well... everything.

"Sugar?" I asked from the kitchen.

"Yes honey?"

"Eh? Sugar or honey?

"You just called me sugar..."

"Baka yaro! I asked if you want sugar with your coffee!"

"Oh... hmm... yeah, sugar’s OK." Hyde answered in a laconic way. "...honey."

He picked on me for a while when he read the song’s title. I was so tempted to change it to something like "Fuck you, Hyde".

He took his guitar and played a very sultry melody... I thought I had heard it before, and after a while I realized it was a very well known song... very sexy one. I don’t have the faintest idea if he was doing it for practice, for the sake of it, or he intended to push me into plagiarism.... Most likely he was just feeding his stage persona. In any case, it took me a rather short while to realize which song it was, and I suppose I would have probably realized earlier if Hyde’s guitar-playing were a little bit more gifted.... He needs practice. He’s nowhere near Ken’s expertise.

He resents that kind of comment, so I took advantage of it and picked on him a little more.

We worked seriously, though. We stopped now and then for cigarettes or food. Some idle talk was present too, but we would go back to work right away.

I really wanted to be me. I didn’t want to find myself in the stressing situation of having to perform my character all the time... but being near him tempted me to.

And he encouraged that. He really liked Sakura... I doubt he liked Yasunori, but I wouldn’t have dared to ask.

For once, because I doubted he would have answered honestly... and in the second place, even if he had, I doubted I would have wanted to hear him.

And then, as the sun set, Hyde suddenly changed his disposition.

He became playful... and the song was almost finished. He tickled me, spoke in double sense, he acted like a child looking for my compliance. He sat on me, tried to feed me something, stole the cigarette I was smoking and kissed me on the cheek many times.

This is why I didn’t need to ask him about Yasunori. It was evident to me that he was trying to call Sakura out to play.

And at some point I think he was provoking me to something else... that is, provoking Sakura.

Of course he wouldn’t want to provoke Yasunori... Who would?

But I was not too sure. It might as well have been my imagination. I bet the successful part of me induces this kind of illusions now and then...

It’s not like I wouldn’t like it... I just think he wouldn’t go for it with me. The real me.

He might pretend to though, in order to give something to talk about. He’s the type to do that. He craves attention.

But I knew I shouldn’t give in, probably. I knew I’d come to a point in my life where I wanted something better for myself. Better than just showing off my public self and pretending not to care. Sakura could have his share of sluts, groupies and sleaze; Yasunori needed calm. He needs someone to feel safe with. Safe and happy. He needed to go on with his life... it had been put on hold for too long a time.

And the person to provide that couldn’t be Hyde. Now... Could it?

No... I tried to shake that idea off my mind.

In the beginning Yasunori wanted Sakura to take over, but the stupid kid never knew what he was getting himself into. When there was no more room for him to be himself, to walk into the streets without fearing to be assaulted by rabid fan-girls.

There was a time when I had my privacy. I was allowed to wake up in the morning feeling grumpy and bored. When morning hair and breath were not such a big concern, after all, I was human.

Now I think I’m not.

Nobody wants to see human Yasunori. Sakura is quite better... by far.

Would everyone still want to be my friend if I were poor and anonymous? The question is rhetorical...

And there I was that fateful day, working on the music and the lyric that talked about how I felt and how I perceived my best friend and myself had changed over time... short time. And how I wanted things back to normal. How I wanted to gather at any bar with my friends... You know. Just hanging out and talking idly about no particular thing. And laughing with them in front of an empty bottle of beer.

True friends. The kind that approach you because they like you, not the kind that approach you because you are successful.

True lovers. The ones that stay with you because they like you... not because you are rich.

True... a true life.

And... Hyde.

I used to like him a lot more when he was Hideto. He was such a nice guy back then. Unpretentious, easy-going... The kind of guy I’d make friends with right away, and I guess that’s what happened.

Our friendship started like a regular one, but now... I think we have clung to each other in the desperate need to keep our fake personalities alive and successful. Washing down all traces of truth in us. We have been deprived of every vestige of humanity.

And we accepted it gladly.

Now I regret it, but... Does he?

I’ve dreamt many times of going back to a reasonable level of success. Where we could do what we liked and earn our livings without getting smashed by the entertainment industry’s foot.

But I know the rest would have laughed at my thoughts.

They’d even consider them dangerous, as they were.

However... and even if I can’t turn back time and correct things... I still wish everything had been different. I still wish I had been mature enough and wise enough to be able to handle Sakura differently, and still be able to remain Yasunori for as long as I wanted to.

Then again, I had to keep in focus. The song. We had been playing for a while... quite a while.

Hyde had been acting weird.

If I hadn’t known better, I’d have said he was flirting with me.

That is, with Sakura.

But Sakura wasn’t there... (or was he?) I was trying my best to remain Yasunori. This was my place, and I was stubborn about remaining myself at my only shelter, at my home.

But Hyde was intrusive. He walked up and down the room... criticized my decoration sense... (Decoration what?) Made observations about my habits and more often than not, he tried to squeeze his small frame right beside me.

It was funny at the beginning... it started to annoy me by the afternoon... and I think I gave in by the evening.

"All in all, I must thank you for dedicating me such a beautiful song, Saku-chan..." Hyde said smiling naughtily.

"Dedicated...?"

"Duh... Good morning ‘Hyde’"

"Oh... I didn’t mean you..."

"Yeah, right." Hyde said and rolled his eyes.

"I wonder if you understood what I meant..."

"Yes, I did. You are speaking about an internal fight between what you want... and what you need. It’s a cruel fight... There is no way to win. It’s either one or the other and no matter which one you choose, you will always regret your choice."

"Uh... yeah..." I was amazed at how, beyond all that stupid chatter, giggling and fantasizing he got the lyric perfectly well.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t have been amazed. I know he’s smarter than he wants to look.

That’s probably the smartest thing to do in the world: trying to look stupid. It simplifies things a lot, prevents people from putting pressure on you, earns you compliments and gives you enough time to do whatever you like...

For a brief moment, I thought he understood me. I was moved. I guess it showed.

"Sakura... my friend... There is one thing I have to tell you, though. You cannot possibly be something that is not in your nature. Even if you tried, you would fail. The fact that you have accomplished it, shows that you were meant to be the thing you are, even if you regret it, even if you hate it now... even if you resent it.

In truth you are not vexed at your present life. You are rather missing your past one. That is sad. It shows some immaturity on your side... some reluctance to grow up and move forwards. You should stop worrying. You are the thing you are now.

Let go of the past. It’ll warm your memories when you have some time to idle around, but you certainly cannot keep it around. The past is gone, and if you don’t focus on your present, chances are you will regret it too one day, and waste your future."

I remember staring at him in awe. Hyde would rarely speak like that.

"But... in any case, do as you wish. This is just my friendly advice. I can’t choose for you." He added and shrugged, and I suddenly felt like a child... a lost child in the middle of a dark forest.

"Saku-chan..." His voice turned sweet and childish at the same time. "I love it when you are like this... brooding and furrowing your eyebrows. I just love it. It makes me want to hug you, and... maybe kiss you..."

I nodded in silence. Being Yasunori was a lost cause?

"Be yourself, Sakura. Be Sakura. That’s who you are." Hyde said and sat beside me by the drum-set. And yes, of course I know I can’t go chasing rainbows, but...

"If you cry for the sun, you won’t see the stars, baby..." He added that cheesy line and snuggled up to me.

I would have instantly jumped backwards, but he had done a great job... a great job indeed in securing Yasunori inside an inviolable cage. Sakura was on the loose, and he rounded Hyde by his shoulders, staring into his eyes we plunged into a deep free fall. I got lost. I lost all resistance as his knowing smirk etched itself slowly on my pupils.

My heart felt like crying, but my body already belonged to Sakura.

And I registered Hyde’s soft lips on mine... touching lightly, seeking coyly for a brief contact that became longer in a matter of seconds.

And desire was triggered by the brief fluttering of lips brushing lightly against each other, and I parted my lips as he parted his, both invading each other’s mouths eagerly. We let go... I felt my head loosening, like a dam bursting and flooding entire villages into death and oblivion... I surrendered.

And that’s the last thing I knew before Yasunori’s conscience faded away, giving place to Sakura’s control. I heard the far echo of his voice... my own voice, distantly cursing me for giving in. But it was too late.

We had already dropped to the carpeted floor and started eagerly groping each other, under the constant rhythm of our own gasps.

The end.