Have you ever had a sick obsession?
No... I mean, a really sick obsession.
The kind of one that escapes all logic or control.
The kind of one that is born suddenly, unexpectedly; and grows to subjugate you, turning you into its slave.
It torments you as much as it delights you, and you do and do not wish to escape it.
You subside to it and sink in its arms, aching for it and because of it.
Now you get the picture?
I’ve had an obsession like that once.
A sick obsession.
One that went against my whole philosophy and common sense.
An obsession that marked my life for good.
An obsession etched on the rear veil of my pupils, dug in my flesh, scratched under my skin, and boiling in my entrails.

My name is Yasunori Sakurazawa, although you may call me Sakura, like many people do. I’m a 33 year-old man, 100% Japanese. Blood type A and a Scorpio.
I’m rather successful in my business, and I know this already sounds like a personal ad, but it isn’t.
So far, I’ve spent 10 years of my life yearning for a stygian incident of the past to take place once more... even if I know it better not happen again; even if I know it’s bad... even if I know it’s wrong.

I’ve come to this place every day for 10 years, looking for a piece of me that got lost here. I’ve never found it, but I can’t afford to give up.
How could I? Can anyone live easily when their sanity has been mangled away from them?

It all happened on a rainy summer afternoon, one of the many rainy afternoons Tokyo showcases to all its inhabitants and visitors. Back then I was 23. My hair was fuller on my head and scarcer on my face.
The weather had caught me without an umbrella, and the heavy curtains of rain were soaking me to my bones.
It was hot as hell and I think more watery than the very Pacific when I ran blindly looking for shelter.
I was in a rather pissy mood... and the atmospheric conditions didn’t exactly make it improve.

I had just broken up with whom I could have called “my dream girl” back then.
Yes... I think I called her that a couple times.
You know... pretty, sweet, adorable... homecoming queen type, with a brain the size of a pea and a bosom the size of a truck.
Pretty boring in bed, but back then I knew no difference between ‘sex’ and ‘Oh, my God, sex!’.
The whole situation was quite inopportune... that she had caught me flirting with her sister.
Actually, I don’t, to this day, even know why I flirted with that smaller-than-pea-size-brained sister of hers, who didn’t even have such a notorious bosom as her sister did; and to make things worse, her butt was rather flat. But the truth is... I did; and she caught me.

But oh, well... young age is like that, ne? I blame it on it and roaring hormones.
And so, on that rainy day, after a heated break-up, I found myself roaming around, in a sinuous path down the streets of Tokyo. Trapped like a sewer rat in a displeasingly lit and clean maze amongst the shapeless crowd balancing between the sleek gray buildings.
I drew a conclusion back then... I’m a fuck up.

I sought for shelter under the cornice of a not-less-gray building in the Shinjuku area... rather far from the station.
For a moment I watched the anonymous passer-bys running a senseless race against the rain, and suddenly the mouldering smell from inside the building caught me by surprise. And for some uncanny reason, it silently called me from within, to its stale guts, under a promise of cool dryness.
And so I went in.

It was a library.
Golden lit in a yellow shade, heavily ornamented and perfectly organized. It looked like I had been dragged into a miniature house of dolls from a European magic tale written 200 years ago; only instead of dolls there were leather strapped books on its racks.

I blinked for an instant. The raging summer storm outside seemed to have belonged into another reality. And it surprised me to hear the echo of my own footsteps, as the scenery moved along, until I found myself in front of a vision. The most beautiful creature I had seen in my life... the most enticing, alluring and gullible being quietly calling me with a delicate smile: the librarian...

Color me stupid, but it took me longer than usual to notice the librarian was a guy.
Or maybe I should blame it on the fact that he was, by all means, cross-dressing.
Or perchance, my senses were numbed, as I was mesmerized by the long, full, fluttering eyelashes behind the thick glasses resting nonchalantly on his refined nose.
Man... He was like a dream. A heavenly one, I mean.
By then I had been blinded by his presence, and I could see nothing else. I remember he smiled at me in a way that gave me a clandestine sense of intimacy; and possibly I smiled back at him. I’m not sure.
I was already trapped in his spell.
Hypnotized by the feminine seductiveness around him.

I can’t possibly tell how, but I approached the counter behind of which he stood.
My eyes registered briefly a shiny credential hanging from his fluffy jacket and bearing a tiny picture of him. “Ogawa Tetsuya - Librarian”.
“How can I help you?” He asked in a smooth voice.
My jaw dropped.
Every time I blinked millions of images paraded in front of my closed-only-for-a-millisecond eyes .
And I can tell you I was having sex with Tetsuya, the librarian, in each and every one of them.

“Ore...” I muttered.
“Are you looking for anything in particular?” He asked again, smiling.
“S-s-sex.”
“Physiology books are on aisle M section 2. Psychology N-15; Sexual education is P-4; Adult novels are L-4; Erotica on L-5...”
“No...”
“Oh?”
“I meant... where are the restrooms?”
“Ah! Gomen nasai! I must have misheard you! I apologize, sir. The restrooms are at the rear of the main hall. Turn to the left. I apologize for misunderstanding.”
“Thank you.” I grinned stupidly and stood there for a few seconds, just watching his puzzled face before I turned on my heels and walked to the toilet.
I really needed to jerk off.

After a while, I pulled up my pants and went out of the men’s room. Biting my lower lip I walked back to the librarian's counter.
I assume there were some people there at the library... but I never paid too much attention to them... they all looked like gray shadows to me.

“I’m looking for books on martial arts. Judo specifically.” I blurted out.
I probably wanted to impress him with my manly hobbies.
He raised his head smiling exquisitely.
“Beware...” I added. “You might blind someone with that dazzling smile.” I ventured one of my corniest pick-up lines ever.
He giggled and covered his mouth delicately with his right hand.
“Judo bibliography is on aisle E-10.”
“Could you please guide me? I’m new here.”
“Oh... of course.” He answered smiling, and pushing open a little door at the side of the counter, he stepped out of his rightful throne.
“This way, please.” He said adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. And I followed him.

The cadence of his walk captivated me. And I pursued him blindly through the intertwined aisles and corridors leading to the obscure destination I had randomly chosen for us.
I slowed my march a little, trying to capture his full shape within the the dark sphere of pervertion that makes up for about... I'd say... 99% of my mind. I started stripping him down with my eyes, hungering after his skin... lusting for him.
And then a grisly shadow bumped on me. Like forcefully torn from the depths of his concentrated intellectuality, coming to my encounter almost by exerting himself so much to get to me that it seemed he had reached the point of absolute depletion of his life force.
“Don’t...” the expressionless face muttered in effort. And it sent chills down my spine. The washed-down aspect of a man that seemed to be a lobotomized nerd in a psychotic seizure stunned me for a split second.
But soon I saw Tetsuya, the librarian, turn briefly. His gentle brown eyes burning in an expression that I judged of joy and naughtiness.
“This way please, sir.” He cooed me. And I forgot the shadowy man exiled from the world of hues, to follow the colorful baroque chimera in front of me.
I think my zipper was about to burst letting my erection flee freely. I wouldn't have minded.

Tetsuya turned around the corner of one of the gigantic bookstands, and I hurried my pace, already thirsting after the loss of his sight.
A few seconds later I turned the same corner, and caught sight of him climbing a ladder, and smiling at me mischievously.
“Please... Would you be so kind to hold the ladder for me? I’m scared of heights... a little.” He spoke suavely, and I nodded and obeyed.
From below, the view was more than enticing.
Even if he was wearing a rather long gown, I could peek and catch sight between its folds as he climbed. His firm, carefully sculpted legs that flashed their perfection at me for seconds, looked like those of the most magnificent statues of Greek goddesses... or, well, at least like those of the many porn actresses and models I’d seen in my life. And now and then I could catch a glimpse of the marble roundness on top of those legs, smoothly taking a supple, graceful shape that screamed to be grabbed and fondled... and other things too.
I tell you, I was in trance.
All I could think of at that moment was that I had to do him. No matter how.

He stepped down the ladder extremely carefully, and I caught him by the waist before he took the last steps.
“I’ve got you, don’t worry.” I whispered to him and pulled him against my body with exceptional zeal.
He gasped delicately, and I pulled him closer.
“This is the oldest version of bushido we have. I thought you’d be interested...” He started. And I stopped his sentences, which by then was insignificant to me, with an ardent kiss.
“I want you...” I muttered against his lips, and I stabbed his mouth with my eager tongue.

The world seemed to have stopped spinning at that very second, when I was holding him tight against my body and he shivered in my arms.

“Ah... I...”
“I want you.” I repeated. “Here or the restrooms...?”
“Rest... rooms...” He gasped, dropping the old bushido book.

I pulled him by the waist and dragged him effortlessly with me. I could feel a thousand eyes pinned to my back, but as I turned back, all the shadowy intellectuals seemed to be buried in their thick volumes of written terrestrial knowledge.
The warning voice echoed inside my head again all of a sudden.
“Don’t...” The voice seemed tinted of fear now, but I was much too horny to pay attention to it for more than a split second.

I entered the restroom with Tetsuya, and pushing him softly against the white-tiled wall, I proceeded to strip him fervently while I took every inch of his skin with my mouth.
He moaned heavenly, and he ran his fingers through my hair.
“Sakura...” he gasped, and I registered briefly that I had never told him my name... but I was too busy then too stop to think about that.
I pulled down my pants and turned him briskly against that wall. He folded his arms and cushioned his face against the cold tile.
I thought he could be scared, so I kissed his neck trying to soothe him... I was going to explode. Man... I was.
My hands slid down his sides caressing him eagerly, while I kissed his nape and neck, until my fingers reached the slope of his round derrière. I parted the cheeks of his butt and I rubbed my erection against the tight entrance to his body.
The sensation gave me goosebumps all over, and the strained voice of the shadow that had assaulted me before echoed inside my head once again.
“Don’t...”
I couldn’t afford to pay attention to it.
I made him suck my index finger while I kept rubbing my crotch against his buttocks, and he moaned tilting his head backwards.
His vacant expression was that of raw pleasure. And a knowing smile started to show across his face.
“You called me...” I roared, and I sunk my wet finger inside him, making him yelp biting his lower lip.
He relaxed rapidly. I could tell it was not his first time, and when a couple minutes later I withdrew my finger, my penis took its place inside his soft, moist body.
I rocked him with my relentless pounding while I held his own erection in my hand.
He moaned and gasped in passion with every move I made, and I kept fucking him for a while with equal ardor... I can’t tell how long, since by then, I had lost any notion of time.
Until I finally came. Choking a scream of utmost pleasure in the cozy nest of his long hair, stuck to his neck by perspiration and my own moist breath.
I heard him giggle a brief time after, and his giggling didn’t sound like it had before.
I felt drained of all strength, to the point that I could have dropped to the ground like a lifeless autumn leave if he hadn’t turned and caught me.
“Don’t worry.” He said. “I’ve got you.” And his voice had a tint of malignancy. I raised my sight to meet his eyes, before the whole scenery started to blur in front of me.
“I’ve got you forever.” He declared grinning.

I dropped my arms and let him hold my body with a strength I could have never suspected in him.
The whole scene pulsated in my head, just at the same rhythm that my penis had pulsated a few minutes before, letting out the sticky cum that was now dripping down his precious buttocks and taking the priceless curve leading to his legs.
Something wasn’t right.
No matter how good the sex, I had never blacked-out after it. His grin grew distorted in front of my closing eyes, and half blind as I was I managed to watch how his clothes returned to him at the graceful movement of his hand, while he watched me drop to the ground with a mixture of pity and superiority.

I gasped as my head hit the checkboard floor. I could barely see, and I could hear all sounds shutting down slowly on me. The urinals and lavatories took a weird menacing shape from above, and I could tell, somehow, that he walked out of the restroom as if nothing had happened.
“I’ve got you forever.”
“Don’t!”
“...forever.”

I made the hardest effort of my life and turned on the floor. Possessed by fear, I strained myself crawling out of the restroom and into the carpeted library.
There was a buzz in my head, and my vision was strongly limited.
I could hardly breathe, and my lungs hurt so much I thought I was going to pass out at any moment.
It felt like poison. Truly like poison taking over my body, my mind... and my... soul.
My eyes saw my skin turning grayish in what I deemed a hallucination.
As I crawled painfully through the library, having lost any notion of direction, and seeking blindly for a way to escape that choking spell, I heard the silent crowd for the first time inside my head.
“You are doomed, Sakurazawa...”
“You have succumbed to him...”
“You are caught within the spell of a succubus... you are his slave like all of us...”
“You are one of us... you belong in the shadows forever, Sakurazawa...”

I refused to even stop to think for a second and I sorely sought to crawl out. With every move all kinds of pain assaulted my body, and my lungs shrunk to the point that almost no air could reach my lungs.
“You can’t, Sakurazawa...”
“You can’t run...”
“The pact has been consummated.”

I don’t know how I found the main corridor, and I don’t know how I managed to crawl along it. I never lifted my eyes until I was but a couple meters away from the door, fearing that Tetsuya would come to my encounter only to subdue me and send me together with the other shadows gathered around the dimly lit reading tables.

I noticed the blinding light of the outside, throbbing on my eyes and hurting like knives, and I closed my eyes, just as another customer walked towards the counter where Tetsuya was reading a book as if nothing had happened.
I wished to warn him, but I couldn’t waste my time.
“Don’t...”
I couldn’t even say that.
I watched the short man wearing a barbed wire choker approach the counter with a grin full of lust plastered on his face.... Yes, I wished to warn him... but I had no time... and I strained myself reaching out the library entrance.

I managed to cross it somehow, to a daylight that seemed to have never known of any storms... and I suppose I collapsed there.

When I woke up, I was in hospital. All my family was gathered around me with grave faces. Apparently, I had been in a semi-coma for a week. They said a policeman found me lying unconscious at the back of a brothel.

Well... I recovered.
Physically, at least, I recovered.
I can’t say so for mentally, though, since I dream of him every night since that day.
I don’t know much more than I have already told. In the beginning I was scared, I wanted to believe it was a mirage brought by alcohol, but I knew, I was positive, I hadn’t drunk at all that day.

The spell on me has never worn off though. Every time I close my eyes I still see him smiling behind the counter. Smiling wickedly at me, and whispering “...forever.”
I don’t know what it means, if it means something. I don’t think I want to know.

But you see... I’ve been coming to this place for ten years now, following the same twisted path I had followed on that fateful rainy afternoon. And it defies logic... I know I wasn’t dreaming, I know I wasn’t drunk... but everyone tells me there has never been a library here.
However, I keep coming back.
I must find him. I must unveil this mystery. I must find out why... why he dragged me into his spell... but must importantly, why he let me out. If he did...
Succubus or illusion... I must find Tetsuya. I must see him again, beyond the realm of my dreams.
I have stopped taking sleeping pills now... I have accepted my fate. I have understood that of all bonds I’ve ever shared with anyone in my life, the bond with him was the strongest.
I must elucidate what happened to me that day.
What he has done to me.
Why I can’t spend a single minute of my life without conjuring him up in my mind. I don’t feel the chills of terror running along my veins any more. I’ve become accustomed to his omnipresent company. Now I’m ready to take a further step.
And bereft of his tangible presence, I walk my way in shades of gray.
Yes, I must find him. Find him and tell him I’ve overcome my fear.... And I wish to be his forever.

The End

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