L'Arc en Ciel fanfiction .::. Offer and Demand

Episode 18

If you think about it... if you think about it carefully... what the hell... no matter how you think about it, you'll always reach the same conclusion: Gackt is weird.

His eccentricities go well beyond those of a rock star, and sometimes I wonder if it's the kind of life that stardom forces us to live, or an innate quality in him that makes him act this way.

But I don't have much time to ponder about these things as I "book" a meeting with Gackt at his apartment... it seems his butler is on his day off because Gackt in person booked me an appointment with himself.

I mean... a few weeks ago we were rolling on his bed happily... He's gotta be crazy.

Sakura has become some sort of ad hoc bodyguard for me, and psychological consultant... although instead of doing any of those jobs at the moment, he's text-messaging some drinking buddy about being late for... well... drinking; and not really paying attention to me.

So, Gackt is expecting me in an hour, and Sakura says Gackt is probably mad because I didn't return any of his calls.

Whatever.

We pick up our stuff and go for Yatchan's motorbike. He talks randomly about wanting to sell it and get himself a car. I nod without paying much attention to his chatter. I really can't occupy my mind with any other matters than the ones that trouble me right now; and those matters are called Gackt.

So... an hour later we are ringing the bell at Gackt's apartment and I swear I expect the dog to open the door instead of him. Because he always has to have some sort of servant to do the tiniest of stuff.

It doesn't.

"Oh, well... the stray kitten comes back home at last!" He exclaims for a greeting.

I observe the corridor is better lit than his apartment, which is not surprising in the very least at this point of my relationship with him.

We walk in, barely guessing where Gackt is, and Sakura bumps into a foot lamp that is only there for decoration purposes.

"Haidee..." I hear Gackt whispering in my ear, and I turn around rapidly, feeling goosebumps all over my body.

I want to jump on him and do him right on the floor... but Sakura poses an obstacle to this, so I refrain.

"...I thought you had deserted me."

"I... I haven't..."

Sakura coughs and Gackt coughs back. These two are really unbelievable. They even have to beat each other in a coughing contest of sorts.

"Your escort..." Gackt starts, but Sakura rapidly interrupts him.

"I ain't no escort, man. I'm the mental therapist of the bunch."

"Sure. I'd like to see your license too." Gackt retorts sarcastically.

"That's it. Enough. I don't want us to end up fighting again. I'm not in the mood for it now." I protest. I'm too anxious to deal with the whole process of a fight again.

"Why is he...?"

"For support." Sakura interrupts.

"Support?"

"Haidee here has not returned your calls because he's met an unpredicted obstacle in the plan you two devised. And I'm here to make sure the drama installment for the day doesn't go beyond its allotted quota."

"What...? What's the matter, dear?"

"Additionally, can you turn on the lights?" Sakura adds visibly annoyed after bumping against a coffee table (I guess).

I'm not moving because I don't want to bump into things like Sakura does.

Gackt reluctantly lights a couple candles on the dining room table and we walk our way to his sofa.

"Sit down... we need to talk." I hear myself asking him. I can barely recognize my voice.

"What is it, dear? I hope you didn't do anything too traumatic to your wife..."

"No. I didn't."

"He did something too predictable to his wife."

Gackt wiggles in his place uncomfortably and looks at me intently.

"I think my instructions were rather clear, dearest Haidee."

"First off... and before Haidee starts his account of the past two weeks events, I want to make sure you will do your part of the deal."

"You have my word."

"What's the word of someone who speaks to the dead worth?"

"Yacchan!"

"Paper. I want it on paper."

Gackt stands up nervously and silently leaves the room.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Safe-scape."

"What?!"

"Unlike you two, horny birds, I have a contingency plan in case our friend here goes baloney."

"What do you mean?"

Gackt re-enters the room carrying a brown envelope with him. He puts it in my hands ceremoniously. "The plans, and the contracts."

"What contracts?!"

"Advertising, consultation; everything he needs, on my behalf, to get his career back on track."

"And what guarantees that...?"

"I've singed the papers already. He can get his lawyers to take a look at it and he can choose to sign it or not."

"I see." I reply. "I appreciate this enormously..."

"The toll on his butt is pricey." Sakura smirks and lights a cigarette.

"So... let's get to business, my dearest Haidee..."

"Yes." I swallow a big lump in my throat and hold on to the envelope tightly. "You see... I did everything as you instructed me. I memorized every word, rehearsed every pose, every face, every gesture... and performed exactly like we had agreed."

"Good."

"I couldn't return your calls because my cell-phone is broken."

"I see."

"You are skipping something." Sakura interrupts distractedly while smoking.

"Yeah... well... something unexpected happened... so, I guess I'm here in need of your help again."

"Well... let's undo the yarn and find the solution."

"I... don't know what kind of a solution that will be... you see... I... I..."

"Hyde is expecting a child." Sakura interrupts.

"What?!"

"What you heard."

"Y--yeah... it's... true. I'll... I'll be father in... December..."

Suddenly, it seems like time has stopped, and my senses become aware of every little sound inside the room.

Sakura's immutable smoking pace... Gackt's dog making itself comfortable on an armchair... Gackt's breath and my own breath becoming gradually more agitated... and then, my eyes flicker with the soft light of the candles, when suddenly a clattering sound by my side shakes me.

Gackt... laughing like a roar, fidgeting nervously... I see his hands moving overanxiously as he laughs.

"Haidee... my dearest Haidee... this is certainly unexpected... but if anyone could make it happen, that would, undoubtedly, be me."

"Huh?!"

"My love for you knows no limits, and not even the dictatorship of biology can push it away!"

"I... I kinda hoped you would understand... I'm happy you do. Now we gotta..."

"My love! Did you think I would abandon you to a solitary pregnancy? Is that what worries you, my dear?"

I hear Sakura spitting and coughing, and I see Gackt getting away from the sofa and pacing up and down the room in a perturbed fashion, talking in agitation.

"No, no... wait..." I attempt to interrupt.

"What the fuck?! Gackt, are you joking?" Sakura puts my ideas into much blunter words.

"For years and years I've been madly in love with you, my dearest Haidee. It took me time, careful planning and a lot of patience to get the chance to get to you and sweep you over your feet. It is, of course, a happy piece of news that our love has come to fruition with the child you bear in your womb... the fruit of our love!"

"What the fuck...?!" Sakura and I exclaim together.

"Gackt! You gotta be joking! It's either that or you are truly insane! I am male!"

"And here you are... all scared and concerned that I will abandon you! When you are carrying my precious baby inside you! A baby that will have my innate capacities and talents... and your pretty face. A baby that will brighten the Earth with its incomparable intelligence! Its super-human abilities, and aristocratic debonair! My dearest Haidee! I wouldn't have chosen a better partner to breed!"

"He's lost it! He's definitely lost it!"

"Let's get out of here..." Sakura whispers pulling from my arm, but Gackt blocks him and pushes him back to the sofa, then he pulls me into his arms and starts kissing my forehead while holding me tightly.

"You needn't fear, my beloved one. I will prepare an appropriate room for our baby immediately. Of course, I'll hear your opinions on decoration... although since you are color blind, I'll probably ignore them; but that is irrelevant, my beloved. Our child will grow happy, in an artistically and intellectually stimulating environment that will take the kid to early stardom in just every category of every discipline man has invented... and the kid will even invent some more disciplines as well.

Ah... my dear Haidee... I've always dreamed of this... Ever since I first saw you, about ten years ago. You were so irresistibly cute and adorable, dressed in that white gown, playing with your hair in the backstage of a TV show. You looked somewhat nervous, but you bore it gracefully. And that day I knew we were destined to be together... my dear one."

"Uh..." I try to get a cue from Sakura, who remains sitting on the sofa, smoking and watching the scene in amusement.

"I devised one thousand... no, one hundred thousand plans to get you... but each and every one of them failed... However, my love for you was not meant to die, and I insisted. I debugged my strategies, and I finally managed to get across to you, and bring you gracefully into my world."

" 'Hello, wanna fuck?' Would have been enough." I hear Sakura snorting.

"Gackt! Gackt! You are losing it, man! You are losing it!"

"First, it was your band's leader... such a tough guy to get past of. He wouldn't allow you to socialize much..."

"That's because all of them are sissies... unlike me. I socialized a lot."

"Look where it got you!" I hear myself yelling at Sakura, who is not being helpful at all.

But Gackt ignores us both, and cuddles me while he speaks in an agitated manner. He's clearly lost it.

"...then, when your leader had put down his tough attitude, your friend here fucks up majorly and I have to postpone everything..."

"Oh, sorry. Believe me when I tell you I didn't do it on purpose to screw up your sexual plans."

I realize why Sakura is not doing much. He's having quite the perverse fun with all of this.

If only I could escape Gackt's tight grip...

"Then... my own problems... our band... I had to pay attention... and then my career... I had to put off our fated encounter. But I did it without regrets, because I knew we were destined to be together, and nothing would change the turn of destiny. As you see, I was right."

"Yeah, yeah, you were..." I hear myself saying as I manage to throw the envelope at Sakura and watch Sakura catching it. I guess he has winked at me, but the light here is insufficient to catch such small gestures.

"Once I made sure my career was in the place I wanted it to be: at the top; it was time to get you into my bed... which was my main goal."

"The movie..." Sakura cues, and I see him getting up from the sofa and crushing his cigarette end on the ashtray.

"The movie! It was the best way to attract you towards me. To make you see what a wonderful, charismatic, intelligent, talented, unsurpassed and desirable man I am... and I was successful! I got you to notice me!"

"Y---yes, yes, you did..." I see Sakura taking our coats, our shoes, and opening the door. I hope the bastard doesn't leave me here.

"But you played hard to get during the movie... and I had no other choice but to wait again... at a point, I started getting desperate... but, my dearest Haidee, destiny is truly unchangeable... and you landed the opportunity to display my manhood to you on your own."

"Y--yeah... yeah, I did."

"When I saw the Escort Service VIP catalog, I knew I had to play my winning card, and I did... and now, my love, you and I will be together in the blood and flesh of this child you bear growing inside of you! You and I! Intertwined forever in the DNA chains of a brand new creature that will mesmerize the world with its unsurpassed abilities and talents!"

"Yeah, yeah... it's unbelievable..."

Suddenly, I hear a crash... and Gackt loosens his grip on me.

I see Sakura standing behind him as Gackt falls unconscious to the floor... and pieces of what used to be the ashtray shine scattered around him.

"Did you just...?"

"I hit him with the ashtray. Now let's get out of here. I've the envelope. We'll call psychiatric emergency once we're out of the building."

"Y---yes..."

"I'll leave the door open."

"What if...?"

"The dog will take care of any would-be intruders."

I make a disapproving face at Sakura. That dog doesn't strike me as the guardian dog type.

"Whatever. It's him or us!"

"...Us!" I give in like a coward.

"Then move it!"

We rush out of the building like criminals... and I feel guilty. I feel awful for Gackt... but I gotta save my butt.

The man obviously lost it... he obviously lost grasp with reality under the shock of my announcement.

If it's true that he's been after me for such a long time... if it's true that he's been obsessed with me for such a long time... and he has devised so many strategies to get me under the covers of his bed... I guess he probably can't accept that he had me and lost me so fast.

But seeing him in such a lunatic state... I... I can't help... I can't help but...

Man.

What an idiot I am.

I lean against a wall and start crying like a baby.

Sakura comes back and shakes me.

"Get together, Haido! Get... togeth... oh, boy." He finally hugs me.

"If he... if he had taken it better... I guess I wouldn't mind so much..."

Sakura says nothing and holds me.

"He was... broken... broken, man... He lost his mind!"

"Well... his mental health has always been fragile."

"The poor thing! And you know what? I can relate to how he feels... Being so close to attaining something you have desired for years... and suddenly losing it. Poor Gacchan... he's so sweet, and smart, and talented..."

"I know, I know..."

I bury my head in Sakura's chest and cry openly while he rubs my back. He says no words, and I say no words... all I can do is cry like a baby... bawl in impotence and pity.

Pity for Gackt, pity for myself... pity for the baby that will be born to a wussy dad and a bitchy mom. Pity for Sakura who cleans my mess when he doesn't have to... pity for my band-mates who will have to put up with my depression and insecurity... pity for the entire world to be unlucky enough to have me in it.

"Poor Gackt! Poor Gackt!" I cough between sobs and I keep crying against Sakura's chest.

I hear him dialing on his cell phone... he gets through to his manager and explains we're in a complicated situation... he gives a fake account of how Gackt got aggressive... he asks for privacy... Poor Gackt... he hangs up.

"Everything will be taken care of." He coaxes me and I keep crying like an idiot.

The everything you mean is nothing to me now... and Sakura drags me to a grisly bar where I can drink to oblivion without being recognized... and I let him drag me, because I ran out of strength for tonight.

"So..." I start insecurely, and I pretend I'm just clearing my throat. The fingers holding the half-smoked cigarette shake a little... I can't tell you if it's because of the alcohol or because I'm rather nervous.

It's been a month and a half since the incident at Gackt's place, and in all that time, I used Gackt's resources -the ones he generously gave me- to sort out my financial situation and get the rope off my neck.

Thanks to his counselors and lawyers teaming up with mine, I've managed to establish a deal with Megumi as far as money is concerned, and it looks like my career is slowly getting back on its track.

I asked Sakura to meet me, I offered him to play with me in a concert for bait... and then I told him I really needed to talk to him.

The grisly bar was a good option for a meeting of this kind. I'll never forget this bar in my entire life.

"So... I'm here." Sakura looks away and pretends to remain cool while he sits at my table... the darkest one in the darkest corner of the darkest bar in Tokyo.

"Yeah... thanks for coming..."

"You said you wanted to talk, so..." He says and turns to wave at the waitress for a glass of beer.

"Yeah... I..." It doesn't look like he's very interested in me and my problems. He makes it hard. I don't know if he's doing this on purpose, trying to punish me for whatever he thinks I've been a "bad boy" at; or rather he's doing this because he's either clumsy or drunk or tired. "I have engaged in money counseling with Megumi. And... well, we've established some norms... some conduct code between us. I guess... I guess things will go alright... somehow."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"And I used the unending source of career boosting contacts and resources Gackt leaked before he lost his final screw."

"Good boy." Sakura says and grins.

"So... I'm kinda doing fine... and Gackt is kinda paying for my assistants... erhm... although I'm not sure if he knows this..."

"Don't worry. He won't be using them for a few months."

"I... I see..."

"How about the baby?" Sakura interrupts dryly.

"I... I've come to terms with the idea. It's not the baby's fault, after all."

"True."

"I mean... the baby... poor innocent thing... it's not its fault if its mother is a wench."

"Or whether its daddy is a whore."

I can feel the snake's hiss in his speech.

You know what? If I was keen on horoscopes, I'd say that's Scorpio talking.

"I... I... I had my reasons to..."

"You've always been one. Don't tell me the 'I was desperate' story again... it's old already."

"Oh... OK. I don't want to get into arguments right now because I am not in a good mental disposition to argue against you on such delicate topics."

"Good." Sakura replies and smiles blankly at me while he crushes his cigarette among the heaping cigarette butts on the dirty foil ashtray.

"Are you... hmm... mad at me... Yacchan?"

"Nah... why would I? Just because you broke a promise to me? Come on." He snaps sarcastically and gulps down his beer.

"OK. I knew it. You are mad at me."

He puts his beer bottle down violently and pierces me with his stare. "You and I promised to each other that we'd never again give in to the temptation of indulging in that kind of sex. And I kept wanting you all the time, but our mutual promise made me strong and kept me away from it.

But I was the only one to keep our mutual promise. I kept it because of you, because I didn't want to fail you... but you didn't have the same kind of dignity and maturity about it."

"Yasunori, give me a break, OK? I'm not exactly in bliss here and I didn't exactly go on a homosexual orgy for no other reason but fun. As much as you don't wanna hear it, I WAS desperate... and I couldn't think of anything else to do.

So, what do you suggest I do to make up for it?! I let you fuck me and we're back to OK?!"

"I don't want to fuck you. Unlike you, I'm strong. That's possibly the side effect of having gone through a lot more shit in life than you've ever gone through. I've dignity, and I can keep my word."

"F--fine. Fine, I apologize. I apologize for not having kept my word!"

Sakura turns around ignoring my apology, and orders another beer.

I light another cigarette nervously, and I wait for him to turn around and look at me again.

"Let's talk about something else. So... you've come to terms with the idea of becoming a father yet?"

"Y--yeah. Yeah. I've even gotten myself a top-technology camcorder to record the baby's birth... and I've even been with her to the doctor and heard what the doctor said... and all."

"Decided a name already?"

"She... she decided. I let her decide."

"So, is it a boy or a girl?"

"If I tell you... hmm... If I don't tell you, you'll have to stick around to find out."

"Only a few more months."

"Well, I'll come up with some idea to keep you hanging out with me after that."

"I could ask your wife."

I am not used to Yacchan's coldness. I know he can be very stern, although he's generally easygoing and calm. I lower my eyes and try to search for the right words inside my head.

But he wins.

"I'll keep around... if you promise you'll be a good father."

"Ah...! I will! I will!"

"Then you'll see a lot of uncle Sakura around." He winks at me.

And I smile back.

The idea of losing his friendship is saddening, so I'm happy to keep him by my side.

"Would... would you take care of my wife during our recent tour...? I mean... if she needs something, or..."

"That's OK. I can do that."

"You don't fuck her! She might be a bitch but she's still my wife!"

"Man... what kind of a jerk do you think I am?"

"Good."

"...besides, she's too skinny..."

"Oe!"

"...and pregnant."

"Oe!!"

He laughs loudly and orders a glass of whiskey when the waitress walks near our table. I order one too. My third.

"And... how is Gackt doing?" I ask trying to sound casual.

"He's doing fine. He'll be alright in a few months and they'll let him out of his straight-jacket."

"G---good to hear that."

"Additionally, doctors think he will be able to cut slowly down on medication within a couple months too and gradually resume normal... er... well, normal... you know what I mean... regular activities."

"Uh... uh... yeah."

"So, I guess he's gonna be alright."

"Has... has he... asked about me?"

"Uh... when he's not sedated..."

"Oh... really?"

"Yeah... well, you know it's his obsession with you what got him back into the loony bin."

"Yeah... I... know."

"Maybe in... half a year, he'll take a hold on his career... he'll probably release some genius yet totally banal material, make it a smash hit... he'll show his naked butt a couple times and his life will go back to what it used to be."

"Y---yeah... yeah, most likely."

"But he's off limits to you."

"I... I understand..."

"You don't dare cross his path again."

"Y---yeah..."

"'Cause he'll go back to chasing after you."

"I... I understand."

"And who knows what he can do."

"Yeah, yeah... he's quite a... strategist."

"He's a lunatic, you must have meant."

"Uh..."

"Even if you miss his cock, he's still a lunatic."

I shake my head in disbelief. What the hell...? Why does he have to be so blunt? (And why does he have to know me that well?!)

Finally, after a few more drinks and a few more cigarettes, we part. We say goodbye and I experience again that feeling of detachment from my own body.

Sometimes I get this funny idea that, perhaps, when I smashed the mirror in my room, the reflection trapped inside it managed to break free and he settled inside of me... and sometimes I see through his eyes... and then sometimes I see through my own eyes. Of course, it's a foolish idea.

I see myself waving goodbye at him, and watching him merge into the colorful night-time crowd that engulfs him and makes him disappear.

I turn on my heels... it's time to go back home. Time to go back to my empty existence, my ordinary life... so different from the life of a rocker.

And I whistle a sad tune while I walk down the street. If this was a movie, I'm sure it'd be the perfect background music for my scenes.

I try not to think of Gackt anymore. I try to think it was just an adventure... a one night stand... well, rather, a several-nights stand.

Nothing meant to last... unfortunately.

I open the door of my apartment, and the familiar air of home wraps me. The dog wags its tail as I take my shoes off (and rapidly hide them away from it). I could really do with a hot bath, but I don't feel like making it ready... and I know she won't make it ready for me.

War between us is over... and now we're just friendly hostile to each other. We've reformed our marriage. Set up some rules and agreed to follow them... by law.

"Oh, you are back, pumpkin!" She squeaks from the kitchen in a teasing tone.

"Yeah. How's everything?"

"Fine. The baby just won't stop moving and kicking."

"Maybe we have a dancer in the family."

I hear her giggling. It's not so bad to have her around when she's giggling... it's just the rest of the time that is insufferable.

"I'll be in my studio if you need me."

"OK."

"I mean... if you need anything... just let me know." (Aren't I nice?)

"Thanks. You're sweet."

"I know."

Sometimes I think it is all for the best. We don't even need to agree about sharing a bed, since I sleep during the day and she sleeps at night... however, at seven in the morning when I go to bed, she's still sleeping, and I feel like I'm an invader taking my own bed, now her space, by assault.

Ah, Gackt... Gackt... I try my best not to think about him, but I fail. It could have been perfect... in fact, it was the perfect plan. It was the only way in which I could get out of all my problems at once... and in a matter of seconds she found the perfect way to keep me chained to the decisions I took in the past. Those decisions... I'm not too sure why I took, and I certainly regret having taken.

And it's only ironic that I realized and came to admit my true nature only after the gears of destiny had already set a different scenario for me than I would have chosen.

I've fought it for more than thirty years... and now it is fighting me back... and winning.

Gackt would have been the perfect partner for me... even if he's psychologically inept for any kind of interaction with normal society. And even if I can't say I've really loved him, or anyone other than myself, I can still see myself being happy around him... especially if there's lube involved.

I want to cling to the images that parade rapidly in front of my mind's eye... I want to cling to the shadow of the feelings he made me feel... that awakening of sensations that had lied dormant inside me for such a long time.

Why? Why would fate allow it to happen if it was going to take it away from me right after I started enjoying it? Why does life throw me these curve balls when something so precious as my happiness is at stake?

Why do I bite my lip and stare blankly at the empty mirror, choking my tears down; feeling her presence, her irrevocable and unrequested presence, in my bed?

The empty mirror in the darkened room has become the exact portrait of my life. there is nothing in it, because there is no light... And I stare eagerly at its black surface, waiting for an image to magically appear. Just like I stare emptily and bitterly at life for a clue to appear.

I must have sobbed somewhat audibly, and I feel her turning around towards me.

“What's the matter dear?”

“No-nothing. Nothing. I was only dreaming...”

“Huh?”

“Yeah... go back to sleep. It was a dream... It was all... just a dream.”

The End

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