"So, Kyo-kun. Here we are." Kaoru pronounces those words happily.
"Uh..." I can only nod after registering them. Everything hurts. Head to toes. Especially my head, and the big bump I have on its back.
"I figured, it’d be good for you to stay somewhere until you get better. We don’t want your family to be worried about their little boy..." He smiles sweetly.
And I nod again softly. Little boy? Whatever.
Not like they’ll be too worried, anyway.

"You like it here? Are you at ease?" Kaoru asks eagerly. He sounds like the fucking host of a middle-aged housewives TV show.
Must be the booze.
He drinks like there is no tomorrow.
"Uh... yeah, yeah. You have a nice place, Kaoru-kun." I try not to chuckle. He’s being nice and gentle.
"Thank you." Kaoru smiles at me again and offers me a cigarette.

He must be feeling like a hero.
He must be feeling like a king. We crowned him leader recently.
Funny how his face changes from serious to happy in a second.
He’s scary some times.
And weird most of the time.

"I know I shouldn’t make you smoke... after all... you’ve been ill..."
"I’m fine." I cut in. I want a smoke.
"Poor little thing..." Kaoru tilts his head to one side and pouts half-smiling.
I hate those words. I look away.
I hate to be treated like a little child, or a cute thing.
But what can I say to him?
He helped me... He helped me out of that hell.
He’s been talking to me a lot during these days... I guess even when I had already fallen asleep he still kept talking.
To some extent, I’ve widened my view on the recently past events. His words make much more sense than Kisaki’s.
But I can’t believe everything Kisaki had said was untrue, like he wants me to believe.
Now I see him giggling like an idiot and strutting towards the sideboard where he keeps his ranged bottles of booze.

Shit. He’ll go on drinking.
"Want a drink Kyo-kun?" He offers while pouring the mellow, brilliant liquid into two plastic glasses, the cheap kinda ones that imitate glass to be precise.
"No booze." I gasp.
"OK." He nods and gulps the content of both glasses. He turns his face to me and smiles blushing.
"I feel great, Kyo-kun..." He suddenly bursts out laughing.
Of course you do.
You’ve been proclaimed bandleader.
You got your will over Kisaki’s.
We all chose you.
You saved me and you are the hero to everyone’s eyes.
But of course you are feeling great!
Somebody give you a medal!
I nod.

"I’m gonna take care of you, Kyo-kun. Until you get better." You say calmly and authoritatively, and then pour more of that liquid in one of the glasses.
Oh, well... you, visual-mother-Theresa... I shake my head. "I’m fine. I’m gonna look for an apartment to rent tomorrow morning."
"No. No way." You smile.
I want to contradict you. I want to fight you.
Why the hell are you so patronizing with me?!
But I can’t...
Shit I can’t.
I owe you.
And your smile is so warm. It makes me feel safe somehow.
Like childhood memories.
A big brother must feel like you...
"I... I must." I stammer. I’m bewildered in your smile.
And suddenly Kisaki’s words come back to my mind...
"You are ugly, Kyo. You are ungraceful and ugly.
Look at yourself! And take a look at the others: Die, Shinya, Kaoru... Me. We are all good-looking guys... But you, the front man, you are ugly.
Ugly like a warty frog. Useless. Stout, short, ill favored. And you are not such a good singer as you fancy yourself to be... Kaoru wants you out of the band. And the others agree."
They ring through my head and I can’t shake them away. I can’t silence them.
I look down. I can’t hold your stare.
Why should one have a heart if it’s bound to be broken by the world? Ever since I can remember nobody really liked me.

"Are you tired, Kyo-kun?" You ask giggling and guzzling the umpteenth drink.
"Un." I answer looking at the floor in embarrassment of my own persona.
"Why don’t you go to bed? Rest will do you good..." You state and nod.
You sound nervous. Still, your voice is that of a concerned leader.
Probably your new role and your new position make you nervous.
"I... Can I get a blanket?" I ask hesitantly. After all you are right, sleep will do me good.
"Sure." You answer nodding.
"Thanks. Can I pick it up? Where is it?"
"Pick it up? Go to sleep and put the blanket on yourself, Kyo-kun." You smile again. A perfect blend of kindness and authority.
Damn... I wish you’d stop it with the fucking little smile.
I keep nodding like a stupid, nodding doll.
"Ah... yeah..." I get up and walk towards the bedroom with indecisive steps. I turn on the light, my hand shakes.

"Ugly warty frog." The voice in my head echoes again, accusing, warning.
I sigh. I only wanna sleep, you rotten head voice.
I snatch a folded blanket at the bed feet, and drag myself up to the room where you are... and the couch is.
It’s a small couch. But I am small, I’ll fit OK in it.

You are drinking heavily. You giggle and gulp one shot of booze after the other. You look like one of those stupid bimbos in the backstage, smiling and willing to be fucked by anyone with a slight chance of becoming famous.
I lay the damned blanket on the couch and I stare at you talking about how great some retarded anime show is.
You even say you have the laser discs if I wanna watch it! Oh, shit... I hope you don’t start playing those again.
You giggle and keep praising some stupid plot.
Yeah, you look stupid. Yet in your stupidity you are nothing short of gorgeous.
Graceful, beautiful... I just can’t stop looking at you.
Maybe I am the stupid one...

You bewitch me when you cough and smile and follow me with your narrowing eyes. Then you catch me looking at you and you giggle again.
I’ll never be like you.
The ugly, warty frog... how could I ever dream of becoming a butterfly?
Kaoru is the butterfly... that’s why he laughs.
I’m the frog. That’s why I don’t.
"Ne... Don’t mind me. I’m just too happy!" You declare and burst out laughing.
Sure you are.
I’d be too, if I were you.
"Ja... Tabako?" I offer. You nod heavily and walk towards me. Your eyes sparkle.
You stumble with everything but manage to sit by my side on the couch. Luckily you didn’t miss and sat on me. I kinda expected you to do such an annoying thing, since you are completely drunk.
"You know?" You begin and take the cigarette I offer.
I light both.
"It kinda makes me laugh..." You say and chuckle, as proof of your words.
"Uh... I kinda noticed."
"No, no... I mean... you make me laugh..."
"Uh... well... OK." I’m a pathetic, ugly, warty frog... I feel my shoulders slumping.
"Cuz... you bring that... blankie... hehehe... blanket here..." you finish. I don’t understand shit.
If you puke on me, I’m outta here, man...
"Nani?"
"Yeah... like... walking the dog... only you are walking the blankie..."
Shit you are drunk...

"Kyo-kun!" The yell startles me and pierces through my ears. I’ve no time to protest as two long arms wrap themselves around me, pressing me against your chest.
Shit I wish you wouldn’t do that... I feel so dirty all of a sudden. So tainted, so disgraceful... I’m marring your beauty when my body contacts yours. You are perfect. I try to pull myself out of your drunken embrace.
"You are safe!" You yell and laugh out loud. "New life. We are starting a new life all of us!"
I would say something but you are choking me against your chest.
"You are free, I am the leader, Die and Shinya are... wait, I promised not to tell about them... and Toshiya is joining us."
I wish I could nod in agreement but I can hardly move. The cigarette is nearing the filter and my fingers are about to get burnt.
You suddenly release me and I put the cigarette off rapidly. You hold my arms and look to find my eyes.

"What?" I ask. You make me nervous.
"Didn’t you notice the change?"
"Yeah... yeah, thank you. Thank you, Kaoru-kun."
"You look like a little boy..." Your voice sounds warm. Your breath reeks of alcohol.
"Uh... well, not everyone is lucky enough to get your looks."
"I like you."
"Gee, thanks. I like you too. And I’m grateful. You helped me and gave me a second chance as a vocalist, and..."
"A second chance? No. I’ve never doubted about you. You still have the first chance."
"Uh... well... thank you... very much."
"I always look at you." You giggle again. "I’m shy, you see..."
"Uh... what?" I really don’t get shit you say. Must be just how drunk you are. Funny... it looks like you are blushing. Ah... yeah. Drunk people always blush.
"Always, always... always look at you." You go on repeating that "always" word forever.
"Uh... well... you should choose more wisely when it comes to relaxing your sight."
"Yeah... cuz you make me nervous." You giggle drunkenly again and lean your head backwards. "OK, enough talking. I’m drunk and I’m making a fool out of myself."
Gee... I thought you’d never notice... I smirk grimly.

"Let’s go to sleep." You say and wrap your arm around my waist pulling me up.
"Uh... but... but... the couch..."
"No, I hate the couch."
"OK, so go to sleep. I’ll take the couch..."
"No. I told you I hate the fucking couch."
"Uh... But you needn’t sleep in the couch, Kaoru!" I know I’m losing the patience I’m famous for not having.
"Of course I’m not! I said I hate it!" [>_<]

I roll my eyes in disbelief. "Fine... I’ll take you to bed." I agree. After all you saved me. I try my best to help you up but you don’t cooperate much.
"Dame."
"Come on, Kaoru..."
"Dame yo..."
"Please, don’t be a brat."
"Uun. Dame yo."
"Kaoru! Fuck it! Stop playing like a fucking idiot and go to bed!!" Yeah, I’m officially mad.
"I made Kyo-kun mad..." you look sad. You look down, your lids dropping heavily, your statement dimming.
I’m a piece of shit. How could I ruin your happiness like that?

"Please, Kaoru-kun? Can we both sleep now?" I try to be patient again.
"You mad?"
"No. No, I’m not, Kaoru. I’m just... a little tired, you know?"
"Me too."
"Yeah... well... why don’t we go to sleep?"
"Together."
"Uh... but... but..."
"If you don’t come with me, I won’t sleep."
"Ja... You’ll fall asleep in a while anyway. You’re so fucking drunk."
"I can still drink more..."
"No... no... don’t. I... I’m coming with you, OK?"
"Ne... walk the blankie back to the bedroom, then..." you giggle again.
"Ye-yeah."
Correction to my thoughts: When you are sober you feel like a big brother. Right now you feel like a retard.

I help you to bed.
You reject my help. Of course. You are gorgeous, and the leader. Why would you let someone like me touch you? I understand.
It doesn’t annoy me or make me mad.
I understand pretty well.
Maybe, if you weren’t very drunk, I’d attempt to thank you more properly.
Maybe not. I don’t know.

"Get undressed, Kyo-kun." You say smiling while you take off your own clothes. I was hoping to escape this. To silently slip away into the main-room and curl myself on the couch.
"Uh... I’m cold." I attempt a stupid excuse.
"There’s the blankie." You say smiling.
Funny how you don’t smile like this when you are sober.
That is good, you know? Cuz I can’t resist that warmth... that security you radiate. And I find myself undressing even before I can register what I’m doing. And I follow your orders like a robot.
You sway your hand and tap on the bed. And like an obedient dog, I creep up and slide into it, between the fresh sheets that smell of soap.

I’ll taint it all...
I feel so dirty. So pungent and filthy.
And I think you must glow in the dark.
What a half-witted idea.
But I think you are so perfect, you must glow in the dark and that sole supposition makes me smirk.
Ungracefully, like everything in me, I guess.
You rest your head on the pillow and you look at me smiling. I wish you wouldn’t do that.

Don’t look at me, Kaoru.
I wanted to be a butterfly like you.
I wanted to be gorgeous too... I wanted to be everything I’m not, and never will.
I wanted black, shimmering wings dusting away in iridescent powder.
But I am an ugly, warty frog... Frogs don’t get wings...

"You are small..."
I nod. I’m not tall like you.
"...And frail..."
"Frail?"
"Like a child."
"I’m a grown-up, Kaoru."
"Like a scared child in the crowd. Like a bunch of flowers blooming in a trash can. Like... like a butterfly flying at night..."
I’m speechless.
"Frail, delicate... yet so full of power and life."
My eyes are open so wide it hurts.
"I want to be... the one to wrap that child in my arms, and banish all your fears. I want to pick that bunch of flowers and put it in a crystal vase..."
I gulp. For a drunk man, you sure know how to sweet-talk.
"I want to keep the butterfly..."
And you did it.
You made me cry.
Only drunk you could compare me to a gracious thing... to the thing I secretly admire most.
Only drunk, of course.
Cuz no sober man would ever say such nonsense.
And it hurts like fucking hell, Kaoru.

"Mo nakanaide, Kyo-kun..."
I feel your fingers slowly creeping up my arms. You tug from me and I fall helpless in your arms.
"I’m here. I’ll protect you."
"Iie..."
"Hush... little boy. Kaoru is here."
"Kaoru..."
"Yes?"
"Thank you. Thank you so much. I needed help. The world had shut me out... but you remained there to listen..."

And suddenly I stop talking... I notice your scent all around me. I’m buried deep in your arms... almost naked, sitting on your bed. And you start kissing my head, like I’m a little doll in your arms. You stroke my hair, and it soothes me. I know I’m dirty and ugly... but...
You made me feel less ugly with those words.
And I look up, my eyes in tears. I want to thank you more. I try to find the words.
But you take me aback.
You steal my breath with a scorching kiss.

"Ka... Ka... Ka... Ka...o... ru..."
"You taste like the sweetest wine."
"Ore... ore... ore..."
"You stammer so nicely too."
"I... Ka... I..."
"Why did he treat you like that? Why did he get a chance to be with you and I didn’t? I wouldn’t have treated you bad..."
What are you talking about?! I don’t know if I said that or just thought it.
"And you fidget and pale beautifully..." You add and I start seeing dots.
"Ka... Ka... Ka... o... ru..."

Black.
I think I must have passed out.
Sounds come back slowly. The first thing I notice is a clock ticking.
Blurry lights take shape at a leisurely pace. And I realize your face is but a few centimeters away from mine.
I’m lying on something soft.
Yes. The bed.
My body gradually awakes from its numbness and I register your fingers prancing up and down my chest.

"I kissed you." You whisper smiling naughtily when you notice I’m awake.
"You... you did..."
"Did you like it?"
"I... I..."
"Come on... don’t break my heart."
"You shouldn’t kiss me..."
"Meanie..." Your eyes narrow.
"Cuz... you are too much for me." I finish the sentence. I’m paralized in... well... a strange feeling.
"Aww..." You smile and you peck on my lips before I can say or do anything.
"Don’t... don’t... do anything you might regret, Kaoru..."
"I won’t."
"Cuz... cuz... you’ll find yourself feeling disgustingly dirty in the morning..."
You giggle again.
"Really? What will you do?"
"I’ll make you dirty, Kaoru..."
You don’t get what I mean, and you smile widely. I guess I chose the words unwisely.

You make your fingers walk on my chest and you gently draw circles on me.
"I like you, Kyo-kun."
"Ja... I like you too... I like all of you guys... but that doesn’t mean you need to..."
"No. Only like me." You get serious suddenly and I find it funny.
"I mean..."
"I want you. Only for me. I don’t want him to lay a hand on you again."
"He... he won’t..."
"Of course not. I kicked him out. I’m your hero, ain’t I?"
You sound confident, proud, cocky... but it looks good on you. So I nod.
"So... you’re my excuse to be a hero." You grin. I’d fret at hearing that in any other situation.
"And I love you." You add. I am aghast again. You cannot love me Kaoru.
You are too gorgeous to love something like me.
But before I can protest your tongue reaches my nipple and plays with it.
You give me goosebumps.

"Ka---Kaoru..."
"Come on, be mine, Kyo-kun... I can be better than him..."
Yeah. I know that.
But I can’t allow you to ruin yourself by being with me.
"Let me, Kyo-kun... I’ll take care of you. I’ll never make you cry. He hurt you, he made you suffer, but I won’t."
I shiver as you mumble those words against my nipples.
You kiss my chest, you savor my skin.
Why, Kaoru?
I’m not good for you... I’m not good for anyone...
"Let me love you, Kyo-kun." You go again. And I can feel your hand caressing my abdomen lovingly, fondling my sides and slowly sliding under my underwear.
I shriek, and you laugh.
You know I’m scared.
You know I’m indecisive. You know how much pressure you are putting on me.
You know I can’t resist.
And you play...
I’m being played with again...
But this time... it feels a little better than before. Even if I feel guilty, to some extent, I am allowing this.
I am abandoning myself to this.
"Be mine, Kyo-kun... You need protection, and I’ll protect you."
I gasp.
My tongue is tied.
I can feel your fingers entwining in my pubic hair, you toy with me... you know you have aroused me.
I want to escape, but at the same time, I want to stay.
I am an ugly warty frog... and I want to escape.
But... in your drunkenness you are seeing me like a butterfly... and... I want to stay. I am a butterfly if you see me that way. There is nobody else to say otherwise.
I feel you pull my underwear off, and fondle me playfully. You treat me like I’m special... I feel so guilty.

I’m scared.
Shit I’m scared.
"I won’t enter you..." You explain, and your eyes can’t quite focus. Maybe that’s why you see this ugly, warty frog as a butterfly.
Anyway, your words are reassuring.
"...yet." You add, much to my alarm.
I gasp and I try to escape, but you pin me down to bed.
"Cuz you are not ready yet. But soon you will be and I will do it. Soon you’ll ask me to do that too."
I shake my head madly.
Why the hell can’t I speak?!
"Because you are mine. And I am your hero, and I am your savior, and I am your lover from now on. I’ve wanted this chance for so long."

I pant in despair while you play with my arousal. Your fingers dance around the most tender parts of my body, and you hold my testicles softly, fondling them, stroking them, releasing them for a second to caress my aroused member and then you go back... You are driving me crazy, Kaoru... and soon I realize what you are doing. Stupid me! Of course! You are... jerking me off!

"Ka---Kao---Kaoru..."
"Beautiful... your statement... like a lost child. I so very much want to protect you, Kyo-kun..."
I gasp, and I yank my head backwards.
It feels like years since I last felt something like this.
"I wanna see you smile, Kyo... Not the grim, twisted smile you do when you sing. I want a gentle smile, Kyo. A pleased smile. The smile of the small man I’m lusting after... Give me the chance, Kyo-kun."
"Ka---Ka---Kao---ru..."
"I love you, Kyo-kun."
And my body tightens, a bolt of electricity crosses it from head to toes and I scream...
I’ve come in your hands.
And you smile pleased.
You look for a disposable handkerchief.
Sweat becomes cold on my body as I fidget confused.
Will you remember this tomorrow?
Will you remember your words when you are sober?
Will you deny them, apologize, laugh at me...?
I wish you would remember tomorrow... but then again, if it embarrasses you, then I wish you would forget.
If I could only hold this moment forever.
I sob and I curl lying on my side.
You have cleaned your hands and you caress me gently.

"Don’t cry, Kyo-kun... Did I hurt you?"
I shake my head. You caress my back tenderly.
You did hurt me. Not physically.
You made me believe I’m something I am not.
"Come here." You urge me and tighten your hold on me. I resist.
"Stubborn little kid." You giggle again, and I feel your arms wrapping me firmly.
You tug from the sheets and blanket and you tuck us both in bed.
I cry on your shoulder.
"Sleep, my gorgeous night butterfly. I’m holding you. Nothing will ever harm you again."
I’m a butterfly... for one night... for one person.

And at some point, amidst my sobs I must have fallen asleep. Deprived of dreams. For what I’ve lived must be a dream in itself.
I wake up to a faint sound coming from a few meters away.
Muffled somehow.
Suddenly all memories from last night hit me in a blast.
I get up and I see I am still naked.
I shiver in shame.
The tips of my fingers travel up my chest, following the same route your kisses trailed last night.
I look at my crotch, my legs, my hands. Stupid. Like anything would have changed in me.
I’m still the ugly, warty frog.
This is psychological torture.
I look around for my underwear. My throat is tied and sore. My eyes feel swollen, probably because I’ve cried for hours until I fell asleep. In silence, I’ve wept myself to sleep.
You probably don’t remember anything, Kaoru... You were so drunk last night.
So I’ll just pretend nothing happened. That’ll be the best.
I’ll keep this memory to myself. I’ll treasure it in secrecy.

The night I was so beautiful I was even worthy of you.
Yes, it will be my secret. The one to make me smile dreamily when nobody else sees me. The one to warm my cold tears of solitude.
I should be happy to have been so lucky.
Happy... instead of feeling like shit now.

I get up and I find my underwear. I put it on and I walk out of the bedroom.
The sound. The muffled sound.
I can discern quite clearly now.
Kaoru is gagging in the bathroom. He’s probably throwing up.
He must have remembered then...
Poor baka. Realizing of what he did last night must be so repulsive to him.
He jerked off an ugly, warty frog.
I look for my clothes and my stuff.

I must have a smoke. My body is aching for it.
I just wait in silence while I get dressed. At some point you will leave the bathroom.
By the way, I hope you do so soon, cuz I really gotta go.
You will ask me to leave your place. I will understand.
You will ask me to forget last night. I will agree. It will be a lie, cuz I’ll never forget it. But I’ll please your ears.
Bullshit. Who do I want to trick? I know I’ll be mad about it. Silently mad, cuz I don’t have a right to protest.
I hope you don’t kick me out of the band now.

And you finally open the door.
You look like shit.
But even looking like shit you are gorgeous.
"Kyo-kun!" You gasp. I cough the smoke out of my lungs abruptly.
"Hai!"
"You are awake!"
"Hai!"
You walk stammering towards me. I fear you might fall.
You place your arm around my shoulders and you look at me with narrow eyes and a mischievous smile.
"Give me a cigarette, man... Ah... this hangover is killing me."
"Un." I nod. "Uh... maybe you shouldn’t... you’ve been puking and..."
"Sa... Don’t speak like fucking mamma and give me a cigarette, please."
I obey. Promptly, I should say.

"We’ve to talk..." You say after blowing the smoke gracefully.
I nod.
I knew you would say something like that. You are straight, categorical. Like a good leader should be. If you have to say something, you say it right away. You wouldn’t go to sleep trying to drown it in oblivion.
"Sit down."
I nod again and I obey again.
You stare at me fixedly, and I avoid your eyes.
Seconds pass slowly.
Why don’t you fucking speak?
"Well..." you start suddenly. "Your answer...?" You prompt me.
"Huh?" Now I’m wondering if you are still drunk.
"What do you say?" You tilt your head to one side.
I don’t get shit you say. And I stare at you shrugging. Are you talking about the band or what?
"Fine." You take a deep breath. Your face turns serious suddenly.
Yeah, you must be talking about the band.
"I’m calling your parents today. I want you to go to your home and stay there."
I fucking knew it. You want me as far as possible. Yesterday you said I should stay here for a little while longer. Now, after last night, you’ve fucking changed your mind.

I nod. Hell I understand.
"Toshiya has nowhere to stay, so he will stay with you. I mean, Die and I live in small apartments... Shinya is still a kid... and you know how wary he is of his privacy. You’re the only one who will get to live in a comfy place..."

I fucking nod.
I’m suddenly mad.
"Is it OK with you?"
I shrug. I fucking shrug.
I wonder if you had fun playing with me last night.
"So, Totchi will stay with you for now."
I nod. Whatever. You probably did.
You can fuck anything you set your mind to. Even an ugly, warty frog.
"My head is hurting like hell..." you protest mildly.
I understand.
If I had drunk half as much as you did last night, my head would have exploded already.
"Are you hungry, Kyo-kun?"
"I’m gonna pee if I don’t go now..." I mumble.
"Oh... Go then."

I stand before the fucking toilet and pee. I feel like I could start crying at any minute, but I won’t.
I wanna punch the stupid toilet-flushing button.
Lately I’ve been making a fool out of myself.
Crying and being vulnerable... and all those things I hate.
All those things that are really me. The side of me I want to hide. I hate myself.
I don’t want anyone to know I’m weak inside.
Lately, I’ve been so stupid and I’ve lowered my guard so bad.
I’ve even let others see me cry, want things, faint, and do other stupid stuff more fit for my little sister than for myself.
I promised myself to be strong and I keep tripping over my own feet.
I wash my hands and leave the bathroom.

The delicious smell of food reaches me.
I will ignore it.
My stomach protests rather audibly, and I deliver it a punch. Fuck, it hurts.
I walk towards the couch where my bag still is.
I open it and press its contents to make a little more room.
What for?
There is nothing I can take with me...
No souvenir... Sensations don’t leave souvenirs.
I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest and put it inside the bag.
It would stop hurting.
I wish I could open my skull and kick the hell out of my stupid brain. I’d stop thinking like a moron if I could.
I sit by my bag and I stare at it as if it were a living being.
After all, it’s been with me during my whole adventure... misadventure.
So... here we are, bag. Pathetic like a bitch.
I can’t decide yet if Kaoru remembers or not.
He probably does, but wants to pretend he doesn’t.
Yeah... it’d be less embarrassing than apologizing to me... or accepting what he did...
Well, maybe it’s better this way.

I raise my eyes and I fix them on the sideboard. A ghostly image of me reflects on the glass panel it has.
The morning light coming through the window curtains fills the room erratically, and now and then, I can see a faint shimmer around me.
Like wings...
I shake my head. I better forget that crap.
Look what it got me into...
"Ne... Kyo-kun. Turn on the TV, please." I hear the pained voice coming from the small kitchen.
"Un." I search for the remote under the unevenly colored cushions and I oblige.
You come walking hastily from the kitchen.
"There ya go." You hand me a bowl of rice with a fried egg on top.
My mouth is watering.
"Uh..."
"There’s teriyaki chicken leftovers in the refrigerator if you don’t like this." You mumble absentmindedly while you flip TV stations... until you catch your anime.

Like a small kid you sit in front of the TV and you go at your breakfast without even looking at it.
You might very well stick your chopsticks right through your eye, baka...
"Eat!" You command.
I nod. And I start eating in silence.
I wonder how you can, feeling so miserable with that hideous hangover, still laugh like a moron at that TV show.
Probably it helps you forget for a moment that you kissed and jerked off an ugly, warty frog last night.
Yeah... it must be like my idiotic dream of the butterfly. A safe mental escape.
I don’t say a word just because I fear if I interrupt you will despise me more.

"I can wash up..." I volunteer after you light your cigarette and enjoy the repetitive ending credits.
"Huh? Really? You wanna do that?"
"I didn’t say I wanna. I said I can do it."
"Oh, good. It’s nice that you inform me of your abilities. Kyo can wash up. Good. I’ll bear it in mind."
"You sound stupid when you want to be sarcastic."
"Well, you sound stupid when you want to pretend..."
"Eh?"
"Is there anyone home at your parents’ now?"
"How the fuck should I know?" I look away. For a moment I was bedazzled in your figure... but you had to bring it back up.
"Your parents. Not mine..." You spit the words like venom.
You sound so cold.
You probably hate me.
Well... whatever.
I shrug inside my head.
I didn’t ask you to do it, after all.
"Probably my mother."
"Good." You nod and you go to the phone.
You start dialing. Shit it feels bad.

With every button you press, I feel I sink into a dark well of depression.
I plunge in a free-fall, into the darkness... the abyss of darkness.
And then you suddenly smash the telephone against the wall.
Something I would do, but not you.
"Aren’t you going to say fucking anything?!" You yell at me like a madman.
"Uh..."
"You don’t give a fuck, do you?!"
Your face turns red.
I fear you might hurt me...
I’ve been through stuff like this before.
And suddenly I register your moving fast towards me.
I shield my head with my arms.
No... No, please. Not again.
You grab my arms and you shake me.
I turn my face from you.

"Say something, dammit! I never thought you were like this!"
"I’m sorry!" I scream in fear.
"What?!"
"I’m very sorry, Kaoru! I’m very sorry, it was all my fault, I’m sorry!!" I scream as loud as I can, apologizing for letting you do something I never asked you to.
"Please don’t hurt me... Please, don’t... Don’t Kaoru... please don’t..."
Fear runs trough my throbbing veins stunning me.
No... Please not again...
And suddenly, like dry slash... your arms wrap around me and press me against your body.
"Why, Kyo? Why don’t you say anything?" Your voice is soft now... almost pleading.
"About... about... last night?" I ask tremulous.
"Yeah..."
"You remember?"
"You thought I wouldn’t?"
"You were drunk..."
"I remember quite clearly."
"Uh... Kaoru... Are you mad?"
"Yeah. Cuz you don’t say anything to me..."
I stop to think for a second.
So that was what you were talking about earlier...

"I... felt very special last night." I whisper shyly. "But... you shouldn’t go for this... Good looking guys like you shouldn’t stick to ugly, warty frogs like me..."
You look at me, and you seem puzzled.
"Ugly, warty frog?!" Your voice sounds weird.
I nod. My throat is aching a little now.
"Who’s the ugly, warty frog?" You demand. Pushy. The leader metal.
I manage to answer, somehow.
"I know what I am. I know it too well. Last night, for a second, you made a dream of mine come true.
I loved that.
I felt different, special, like I had shed away my ugly skin and become... uh... that thing that you called me."
"Butterfly."
"Uh... yeah..." I want to escape your eyes now.
"Why are you saying these things, Kyo?"
"Because it’s true. You are so good looking. You are perfect. But look at me... I’m..."
"I’m looking at you, and I like what I see."
"No. Listen. You are wrong. You think you like me cuz you helped me and that made you feel powerful. You like the feeling of power. Not me."
"No. You are wrong. I like you. You are gorgeous."
"No, Kaoru. In time you will see I am right."
"In time you will see you are wrong."
"Stop copying my sentences!"
"OK. I’ll give you time. You’ll be at your parents’ place and you’ll have plenty of time to think about us."
"I don’t... I don’t wanna think about us. There is no us. If I get all worked up into this, and then you give up on me... it will hurt too much."
"You don’t believe me."
"I... I can’t. I know you are confused."
"I am not. I’ll prove you I am not."
"Yeah... then... it will become an obsession."
"I’ve been obsessing over you for a long time now, you know? I just thought you’d kick my sorry ass... but when Die-kun suggested that you might be lovers with Kisaki... well... I felt happy cuz I thought if it was true, then I could have a chance, but on the other hand I also felt angry... cuz you were with him."
"No. That can’t be, Kaoru. You just think you’ve had a crush... but actually..."
"You think you are a psychologist or something? Where’s your college degree for psychology, man?"
"Listen, Kaoru. It doesn’t take no fucking degree to understand that you are confused..."
"You are confused. You’ve been fed such a load of crap by Kisaki, you can’t see things clearly any more!"
"Kaoru... Please don’t be so irrational. You are just... uh... infatuated with your new role. That’s all."
"Why are you so stubborn? Are you playing hard to get with me?"

I roll my eyes.
I just can’t believe this guy.

"No, Kaoru..."
I can’t finish my sentence. You cut my words short with your eager kiss.
When you break the kiss you stare at me smiling.
Your smile is different from last night’s. You look more in control.
"Go to your parents’. And do think about us. When you’ve made up your mind you may come back here." You whisper softly. And your words reassure me of something...
"Uh..."
"One word of warning though." You raise your finger and frown. You look funny.
"Huh?"
"You make any move on Toshiya and I’ll kidnap you, put you on a plane and take you to a deserted island with me. Toshiya makes any move on you and he’ll get wrapped up in a package and sent to Siberia."
"Uh... Kaoru! That won’t happen!"
"And he doesn’t get to sleep with you!"
"Well, he certainly doesn’t get to sleep with my sister!"
"Same room as you... maybe. Same bed, never!"
I laugh wearily.
"You’ll regret this, Kaoru..."
"I know I will. But this apartment is too small... you’ll feel caged." You bite your lower lip and look away. "I wish you could stay with me..."
"I mean... about wanting to have a relationship with me. You’ll regret it one day."
"Oh... I know. When you get back to being yourself, you’ll be here fighting over watching your daily dose of horror on behalf of my anime." [>_<]
"Uh... well... you shouldn’t be selfish with guests..." I stuck out my tongue at you.
You smirk somewhat happily. Your eyes bewitch me.
"When we get some more money, I’ll rent a bigger place. And you can move in with me easily. It’ll be fun."
"How about... uh... living in separate places and... hmm... spending some quality time together? I spare you my horror and you spare me your puking."
You lower your eyes and smirk.
"Good. So I see you are already considering it."
"Well, you are very insistent."
"Of course."
"You always have to get your whim, ne?"
"Absolutely."
"But I am not the nice guy you think I am."
"I’ll tame you. I’ll hold you and kiss you until I tame you."

You wrap your arms around me again and you help me up.
Not that I need it, but you do it anyway. You smile all the time, and you hold me close to you.
It feels so warm. So safe.

"I kinda like Toshiya..." I say distractedly and you whack me on the head with my own bag.
I turn to protest and I see you pouting.
"Ne... but I like you more." I add and wink.
And you laugh pleased.
And you accuse me of being a flirt while we walk through the door. Such a crazy dude you are.

We reach the street and the sun licks me softly.
"Don’t let anyone call you cute..." You suddenly say.
"I never would."
"I am the only one entitled to do that."
"Oe! Hold on..."
You take my right hand and open it. I am bewildered in you and I can’t even protest at your words.
You take my palm to your lips and kiss it, then you close my fingers on the spot your lips touched.
"Take it with you..." You whisper, and my eyes pool in tears.

I’ll take it, of course.
You have already taken my heart.

The end